I read something in Shane Parrish's Brain Food newsletter recently that immediately made me stop.
In the "Tiny Thoughts" section, he wrote, "You don't need more time, you need more focus."
I understand what he means. There are plenty of times when distraction is the problem. We bounce between things, spend time on what does not matter, or convince ourselves we are too busy when we have not been particularly intentional about how we are spending the day.
But my immediate reaction was that sometimes you really do need more time, or at least more uninterrupted time than life is giving you.
I have been feeling that a lot lately because there are so many things competing for my attention, and most of them are not optional or unimportant. My dad recently moved in with us. We have seven cats in the house right now between ours and his, and one of mine spent most of last week at the vet. There is work, the house, bills, appointments and all of the regular things that have to happen whether life is busy or not.
Then there are all the smaller things that rarely look significant by themselves: laundry and dishes, meal planning, watering the plants that sit under the porch and do not get rain, filling the bird feeder, checking the pool levels, cleaning out the hydroponic garden, making celery juice for my husband, remembering the birthdays, buying the gifts, and sending the cards.
None of those things is particularly overwhelming on its own, but collectively, they take up a surprising amount of space.
When the weekend becomes the overflow
I notice it most on weekends. Whatever did not fit into Monday through Friday seems to migrate into Saturday and Sunday.
For a while, much of that time was taken up by the house. We moved into a place that needed a lot of work, and then we were preparing part of it for Dad. There was always something to paint, clean out, move, repair or figure out. More recently, it has been getting him settled, handling things from his old house and adjusting to what our new normal looks like.
Even when there is no major project, the smaller responsibilities are still there. I may start a Saturday with what looks like a manageable list and somehow find myself moving from one thing to another all day. Some of those things were on the list, while others simply appeared.
That is the part that makes the focus argument difficult for me. It assumes that we can choose the most important thing, give it our full attention, complete it and move on. Sometimes that works. Other times, I am waiting for a phone call while doing laundry, trying to get something done around the house before I need to help Dad with something, and mentally remembering three things I need to handle later.
The responsibilities overlap. They do not always wait their turn.
My husband and I were talking about this last weekend, and he mentioned something his dad used to say: if something is important, you will make time for it. I understand that one too, but the problem is, what happens when a lot of things are important?
What gets moved
I am not completely putting myself last. There are things I have learned that I need in order to function well, and I protect them.
I have a morning routine. I read. I get massages. I recently started doing a weekly skincare treatment. I make sure I get some form of exercise because my body lets me know pretty quickly when I do not.
There are other things, though, that are easier to move because nobody is waiting for them and nothing terrible happens if they do not get done today. Block Therapy gets pushed. A longer workout becomes a shorter one. I get to the sauna once that week instead of more often. Cleaning out my closet can wait because there is no deadline attached to it. Those are usually the first things to go when the day gets crowded.
I do not resent that. Most of the responsibilities in my life are there because I chose them, and I care about the people and animals involved. Dad is doing what he can to pull his own weight. My husband does his part. A sick cat obviously cannot rearrange his needs around my schedule.
There are certainly moments when I get tired or short because I am human, but resentment is not really the issue. The issue is that there is only so much room in a day.
Knowing the advice is not the same as being able to follow it
My husband has also reminded me more than once that I cannot take care of everyone else if I am not taking care of myself.
I know. He has become much better about putting his own workout first, even on the weekend. We used to wake up and immediately start tackling whatever needed done around the house, but now he is more intentional about getting his workout in before the rest of the day takes over.
I can see the wisdom in that, and I have my own things that I refuse to give up. But I also think most people carrying a lot of responsibility already understand the idea behind "you can't pour from an empty cup." They do not necessarily need another reminder to put themselves first.
Sometimes they are choosing between two things that both matter. Maybe it is their workout or helping an aging parent, an hour of quiet or making dinner, going to bed earlier or finishing something for work that genuinely cannot wait.
There is not always a careless choice hiding underneath an overloaded life. Sometimes there is simply too much competing for the same space.
I have been feeling the effects of that pace lately. My body hurts more when I run myself too hard. I have fallen asleep on the couch instead of making it to bed. This weekend I took two naps, which is unusual enough for me that I noticed it.
I can still get most things done, and that is almost part of the problem. I am capable of moving from one thing to the next all day, and because I usually make it work, there is not always an obvious reason to stop.
But getting everything done and having a sustainable rhythm are not necessarily the same thing.
What I am actually trying to get back to
I do think life will settle somewhat. Dad is here now. Most of the heavy work around the house is behind us, and we are moving into a time of year when some of those responsibilities naturally slow down.
At the same time, I know better than to assume there will eventually be a point when nothing unexpected happens. Dad will need things. One of the cats will need something. Something around the house will break. Work will change. There will always be another responsibility waiting somewhere.
What I would like is more continuity. I would like Block Therapy to become part of my regular routine again instead of something I fit in when there is room. I would like to work out without constantly checking what needs to happen next. I would like to have time for a hobby, or to clean out my closet because I feel like doing it, not because I finally reached the end of every other obligation. Maybe that sounds small, but those are some of the things that make me feel more like myself.
Writing has become one of them too. There are weeks when finding a blog topic and making time to write could easily become one more thing I postpone, but I have kept doing it anyway, partly because I enjoy it and partly because this body of work matters to me. It gives me somewhere to work through thoughts like this instead of simply moving on to the next thing.
I do not think the answer is to become better at focusing on one thing at a time, and I am not sure my life works that way right now. I think I am trying to find a rhythm where the things I am responsible for can coexist with the things that are mine, without every day feeling like I am going a hundred miles an hour just to keep everything moving.
And I am still figuring out what that looks like.
