PODCAST TRANSCRIPT
Welcome to episode 18 of the Light Her
Project Podcast, Real Women.
Real Talk.
I'm Rachel Strella.
And I'm Vixen Divine.
Thank you for joining us today.
I can't believe it's been 18 episodes.
I know!
Today's topic is so great.
We're gonna talk about respect.
So, this is like, there's a lot we can
talk about here.
So we start our episodes usually talking
about our personal experiences.
So let's talk about that as it relates to
respect.
Yeah.
Respect is, I've known throughout my life,
and there are some things that I learned
really to put on my map that I had to
learn.
They were not there.
As far as respect goes, as far as, cause I
thought everyone, when I was younger, I
pretty much thought everyone was raised
the same.
No, they're not.
There were certain things that you were
told you didn't do, and you showed respect.
It was,
It was given to you.
It was expected of you.
And you expected you to give it and get
it.
And that was the way it was, at least in
my world.
Like I said, I thought everyone was raised
the same, at least in my world.
Like that was, you didn't even call, like,
I remember one time I tried to call my aunt by her name.
Like not aunt so-and-so.
I just tried to call her by her name.
No.
No, no, no.
No.
Again, that title is a respect thing.
Like, our parents, they didn't let you get
away with stuff.
So you were taught that as growing up, is
what was expected of you, how you give
respect, and if you did not, there were
consequences.
Mm-hmm.
You know, I hadn't even really thought
about how I was raised when I was thinking
about this question, but I was raised the
same way.
You were respectful.
You're respectful of your parents, your
teachers, whoever it is.
I was actually thinking more about how I
handle respect as an adult and in my life now.
And I think when it comes to respect and
actually trying to attain respect, we have
to have confidence in ourselves.
And that's something for me that's going
to be a work in progress.
I, um, I suffer from anxiety.
So like certain situations can make me
uncomfortable and it affects how you show up.
You know, if I'm feeling anxious, I'm not
going to be as confident as when my anxiety is at bay.
So, um, one of the things I learned when I
was in psychotherapy, she gave me a mantra.
So it's really long.
The shortened version is I will not seek
certainty.
And it's helped me a lot because people
who have anxiety, they're looking for that certainty.
They don't like the unknowns or uncertain.
And that's me to a T.
I need to know what's gonna happen.
So when it comes to respect, you know,
once you've established your expectations
and your boundaries and you determine sort
of what's acceptable, you also have to
accept the things that are out of your
control, you know?
And I've had to learn to be able to walk
away from situations, or people,
that don't meet, you know,
my standards of respect.
You know, it's taken me a long time to
learn this.
I'm really grateful that I have a job
that's primarily remote and online,
because I think that relieves some of that
in-person anxiety.
I think that, yeah, I think that does help
for someone in that situation that you
can, it's a way to get out of the
situation quickly.
There's an out quickly rather than being
in front of someone or in a job or in a
place where you have to be that you don't
necessarily want to be.
Right.
Right.
You’re right.
So let's talk about, you know, how do you
gain respect?
Well, there's a couple of ways, but my big
way and the first way, and a lot of times
people don't think about this, but you
gain respect before you say anything.
If they haven't met you yet, assuming that
you know people who know you already know
if they're going to respect you or not,
but we're talking about someone who
doesn't know you yet okay.
The way you even enter the room.
Your posture, your speech, before, when
they see you coming through that door,
they have already made a picture of you, a
determination before you walked over to where they are.
Whether it's conscious or subconscious,
everything from what you're, and this
should not be, but this is the way it is,
everything from the way you walked to what you're wearing.
How you hold yourself have already made a
determination.
Now, by the time you get to them then,
you're already just, you're either
fighting against it or you're flowing with
it if it's positive or negative.
So, yeah, so that's something.
So how you gain that, those nonverbal
cues, that confidence that you just talked
about, if you have that, that is half the
battle right there.
That really is as far as respect goes.
Because then you're not going to have to
fight so hard to gain it because you're
already halfway there.
I totally agree.
First impressions are lasting impressions.
So how you show up initially is gonna set
the stage for how well you're received and respected.
So you may have heard the phrase, we teach
people how to treat us.
Oh yes.
So we do set the stage for what's
acceptable and unacceptable behavior from others.
So, but it really starts with yourself.
You know, you have to have self-respect,
self-awareness, you know, and be present
for this to work.
Like you need to define what it is that
works for you, doesn't work for you, what
you'll accept, you know.
Then you can be transparent with others
and those expectations.
So, you know, one of the things that I've
noticed that helps with that is setting
clear boundaries with people, you know.
And then there's always those people who
feel like, somebody in my team used to
call them screamers, the person who
demands attention all the time.
And how you respond to that determines the
level of how they're going to treat you going forward.
If you just ignore them and you're not dealing
with it.
And like I said earlier, walking away from
situations that are unacceptable.
Get that toxicity out of your life.
When you are that screamer that you talked
about, that is not necessarily a level of
respect, but it is commanding attention,
but it's not necessarily the attention that you want.
Right.
Definitely the attention that can serve
consequences or not.
So you're right.
It's great that you go ahead and let that
go and ignore that so they don't feel
like, oh, if I do this, I'm going to get
attention.
Look at me, look at me,
look at me.
But we'll talk about that a little bit
later too, because it is interesting.
Some of the things I've learned about
myself in my old age.
All right.
Question number two that I have here, and
this is, this is something obviously, you
know, I have a lot of experience with, you
know, the work environment has shifted to
remote teams, you know, we have zoom
meetings, we have email, you know, how
does that impact how you show up and how
you gain respect?
So you know, for me I have some basics
here and it's surprising to me how many
people don't have this down, you know,
when you're in a remote meeting, like show up on time.
Mute yourself when you're not talking, you
know, turn your camera on show up
properly, you know, not eating a burrito,
you know, looking like a slob.
You know, and that
and you can tell the person that's
multitasking in a meeting.
You can tell it in a Zoom.
And for me, that's the fastest way to lose
respect for somebody.
They're just not present at all.
Yeah, they're not giving you their whole
attention.
Exactly.
It is harder I feel though to kind of
especially in group meetings where
everyone's just like a little spot you
know on zoom it's really hard to get that
respect when you're just a little person
on the screen.
I don't know if you have any thoughts
about how to do that.
I do.
I, that, when it comes to remote, like the
Zoom type of talking, that sort of thing,
you don't have that luxury of showing up,
you know, from the door, you know, to the space.
So I feel like respect is everything that
has to do with coming out of your mouth.
Everything that comes out of your mouth,
the intelligence level or not, that comes
out of your mouth really,
is just about everything, except there is
something to turning on your camera.
That I feel like also is a respectful
thing.
Because I've seen meetings, you know, when
they have the picture on there and they
have the picture on for like almost the
whole meeting or in some, you know, are they really there?
You know, there's no interaction really
other than maybe a talk or two, but.
Yeah, so what's coming out of your mouth
intelligence really matters here on that
subject whatever the subject is Somebody
makes them listen to you if you have
something good to say. Because you don't
have that time from when you walk through the door.
I agree with you there.
I think one of the challenges I've had is
some of the meetings that we come to, they
have, there's several of us on our team
there and several, you know, folks on my
client's team and it's kind of like we
expected that we're all supposed to talk,
you know, and as far as us, you know, and
sometimes some of us just don't have
anything to say, but you feel like you
have to.
So that's a challenge that
we have sometimes because they're like,
okay, Laney, what do you have to say?
Oh, what do you have to say, Rachel, what do
you have to say?
Yeah, we all get the floor.
But what if you don't have anything to
say?
Sometimes I feel like it's better to say
nothing at all.
But you got the floor, you know.
That’s a challenge.
That’s a challenge.
If you're expected to talk, yet you have
nothing to say on the subject, is there a
such thing as an I pass?
Yeah, I mean.
There are times when I really thought
about that, but I really racked my brain
at times, like what should I talk about?
Because I feel like I've got the experts
on my team who are already going to talk about
this, you know, I'm just kind of there in
name.
But yeah, it's definitely a challenge the
way the things are.
I mean, I feel like you have a physical
presence, you can just show up a little differently.
And even though I have anxiety, and I like
to be able to hide behind my computer, it
does pose a challenge for trying to earn
respect that I feel like you have when you
show up in person.
As far as email goes, like I also feel
like basic supply here, proper grammar.
Yeah, if I receive an email that's just
riddled with typos.
It's a huge turn off, you know, and I
think that we have to watch the tone of our emails too.
It's really easy to misread the intent of
an email because of the tone.
Absolutely I feel like --
Yeah yeah, I do.
I feel like if they don't, if you think,
if you even begin to think that person is
going to take what you say and kind of
turn it around, or it sounds like it could
be misinterpreted, I think a phone call is
better in that respect.
Even leaving, if they don't answer, even
leaving a voicemail, at least they can
hear your inflection and
you know, it's bound to not be taken in
such a way because it can get, yeah, it
can get pretty bad in some cases.
No I agree with you.
I also think that boundaries are important
with email too and I am guilty of this sometimes.
You know, when I get an email from
somebody, especially somebody on my team,
I am pretty immediate to respond.
You know, I think that, you know, I'm
being so responsive that I cause people to
take advantage a little bit and they email
me about things that they probably could
figure out on their own.
But they know that I'm gonna respond
quickly, so they email me.
And I'm not saying that they're
disrespectful, I'm saying that we set the
expectations of communication.
And I had a great conversation with Laney
yesterday about this, because she's a
great example of setting clear boundaries
as a remote worker.
She does not respond to email that can
wait.
And she puts her phone away, so she can
show up for her kids and other things in her life.
So I'm really learning how to do that too.
To set that boundary.
That's impressive.
That's impressive because most people are,
for lack of a better term, they're
actually addicted to their phone, to this
world of social media, to this world that doesn't actually exist.
You know. So for her to be able to do that, that
would really take, sounds like it would take discipline.
Yep.
To do that.
So I commend, Laney, if you're watching
this, honey, I commend you, dear.
I know you'll be watching.
No, it's true.
It's again, it goes back to we teach
people how to treat us, you know, and, and
I'm really learning that, you know, being
available all the time has its disadvantages.
There, I think people have a fear of
missing out, though I think that fear of
missing out is what keeps people
on their phone constantly.
I can't miss something.
Yes, yes, I'm with you.
I can, if you beep me at three in the
morning, I probably am getting it.
I'm probably getting it.
At least I might not respond, but I
probably look at it because I wanna know,
like I can't, what is it?
What is it?
So I might not respond, but I probably
looked at it.
Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
So, and do you think that there are
certain circumstances in which some people
might have more difficulty gaining respect
than others?
I think so.
I think okay you ever heard the term they
can smell your fear?
Yep.
Oh, yes.
Yes.
So this is where I feel like if someone
thinks or someone feels like you're giving
off that vibe of a I'm timid or I'm just
gonna be over here, you know, that kind of
thing, then they feel like you don't have
the gumption for respect.
I just, that timid little, now, there's
probably a level of respect, a minimal
level of respect, pretty much, that
everyone gets from the beginning.
But there you gain more or you basically
gain points or you lose points.
But they're gonna stay kinda at that
minimal level.
Like that's the person who's fighting to
prove themselves.
Because they didn't start off any higher
than this.
It's true that handshake, that how you
speak, are you looking them in the eye?
What are you commanding when you meet them
or see them?
What you're talking about really is
somebody's personality too.
I mean there are people who are just
naturally timid.
You know it takes a conscious effort to
break out of that but some people just
never do and they probably don't realize
that they have trouble commanding respect because of it.
We’ve talked about anxiety for me.
And it's so funny you mentioned about
smell fear because my former coach
mentioned that to me before.
And I believe that I am a work in progress
on the anxiety, but one tip that they,
that he gave me that I, that I really like
is it's called an anchor.
To have an anchor.
I've heard that.
Yeah so like somebody I know, she wears pearls.
So her pearls are her anchor.
If she has those on, that gives her that
confidence that she's got this.
For me, it took me a long time to find my
anchor, but it's now my smart watch.
I’m naked if I don't have that on.
So like when I go to your place Vixen and get
a massage, I'm like, ah, I don't have that on.
Okay, so I'm gonna give you one more
example.
At least from my personal perspective, I
have profound hearing loss.
So it definitely impacts my confidence
level.
Which impacts how I show up and how I feel
like I earn respect.
Probably my single biggest challenge.
Um, a good example for me, I'm at the gym.
I don't wear my aides at the gym, but if
like they're talking to me, the people at
the front desk or Nathan’s trying to talk to
me or whatever.
I'm not going to hear anything they're
saying.
So I actually avoid people at all costs.
Now, most people avoid people at the gym,
but I really avoid people.
So I don't even know what people at the
gym think of me.
They probably think I'm a weirdo, but I'm
afraid someone's gonna try to talk to me
and I won't be able to hear them.
So it definitely affects how I show up and
probably how people perceive me and who I am.
Well I’m the person, see
what I would give you.
If I were you, I would have
little signs.
If someone starts talking, I can't hear
you.
Sorry, can't hear you.
I’ve thought about it.
I’ve thought about it.
There's a show that I'm just finishing
watching right now.
It's on Netflix.
It's called In the Dark.
And the main character her name is Murphy
Mason she's blind and how she shows up is
hilarious she doesn't care she doesn't
care she'll just cut through the line, I'm blind I
can't see you know and she doesn't care
she breaks all the rules.
And I'm like, how do I do that?
She could do that when she's blind.
How can I do that?
You know, with the hearing loss.
I don't know.
Maybe I wear a big sandwich sign.
You know, I don't know, but it is an
ongoing challenge because I struggle
because I don't want to feel like I'm
different, you know, but I am.
I'm stuck here, I know.
I’ll make you a sign
with sparkles on it.
Don't worry.
A little purple around the edge.
Exactly.
All right.
Well, now one question and, you know,
given your opening, I'm sure I kind of
have an answer about this, but respect,
you know, is it earned or is it given?
Well, I feel like it's definitely earned
because there's a neutral, like I said,
there's a neutral level that everybody
gets.
Like you start out at ground zero,
everybody has a neutral level ground zero.
So you got that neutral level.
In other words, I'm not gonna treat you
bad, I'm not gonna treat you good, I'm
just, I'm gonna treat you norm there.
So with your actions and your words then,
you either gain points or you lose points.
Yes.
So I feel like respect is, I guess it's given as far
as neutrality, but to get any good level
of respect, you have to earn that.
Because I'm not going to just go around
treating people bad until you crawl out of that hole.
You know? I'm not
going to do that.
Everybody gets a neutrality, you know.
But then you can go up or down from there,
depending what.
You ever seen a person
who is gorgeous.
Oh my God, he is drop dead gorgeous until
he started talking.
Yeah.
Then he went down real, real fast.
And woman the same way.
Guys, oh my gosh, she is beautiful until
she started talking.
I agree with you.
I think we should have a basic level of
respect for everyone.
You know, being courteous, not rude or
kind of sending to them, you know.
You can't really fake respect, you know,
you either truly respect them or you don't.
You know, like, you should be polite and
show respect, but like you said, there's a
level of how that goes depending on your
interactions.
I saw a Reddit thread this week.
Someone mentioned that
in the thread that respect should be given
but trust is earned.
So that's an interesting perspective.
One that I agree with.
Be respectful but trusting somebody is a
different level.
Completely different level, honestly,
completely.
Trust is not, there's no baseline for that
one.
You don't have it at all, like to begin
with, like, no, trust you as far as I can
throw you, not happening.
That is something that is completely
earned.
And I do, I would put that actually in a
different category from respect.
Mm-hmm.
I agree.
Trust I feel like, is a
whole different thing.
That's another podcast.
This is funny how the thread went and
these reddit threads, these people can
really go into it, you know.
So it's, you know, a couple hundred
comments down, we start shifting from
respect to trust.
So I just thought that was interesting.
But I guess at the end of the day, trust
is really the ultimate, you know.
So respect to me is like the initial and
ongoing thing that has to occur, you know.
Because you respect your co-workers.
You respect them because they're your
co-workers.
They had to do something, you know, to get
to that level, to get the interview, to
get there, you know.
So in some way, there should be some kind
of neutrality.
But do you trust that they're not going to
eat your sandwich?
Yeah, they'll lift and level.
Yeah.
Mm hmm.
I agree.
Well, let's talk about a couple things
we're seeing.
So I found this article on
entrepreneur.com that's one of the biggest
takeaways for me that I thought was in our
same like we're both female, you know,
entrepreneurs, business leaders.
So leaders are judged on their results and
respected for how well they treat people.
I thought that was really interesting and
it goes back to what we were talking about
with respect, kind of having that
baseline, you know, you can be a person
that's the boss or be an authority figure,
but so you're going to have that baseline
respect, you know, but when it comes to
like truly respecting people, it's like
how you treat them matters, you know, how
you show up and treat them, not just how
you show up for yourself, but how you
treat them.
And
I really believe that because I've, you
know, I've had, I've had a lot of people
that have worked on my team in the past 13 years.
Some that well, I'm glad they're gone.
Some that I'm so grateful that they work
with me every day, but no matter who they
are, I treat them well.
I can't think of anybody on my team would
say I don't, you know, and I feel like our
team is strong because there is that
mutual respect and they are treated well.
Well, I think in order for you to even do
that, you have to be, when you're in a
place of authority, you know, when you are
a leader, you have to also be a good listener.
Because in order to provide that person
with what they need to be successful,
whatever part you need to play in that
role, you need to understand what it is
that you need to help them develop.
And in order to do that,
you can't just guess.
I mean, you can guess, but you're probably
gonna be wrong.
If you listen and you look for the cues,
then you can see, oh, they need
development in this area.
Or, and this is where you start to help
them and give them their strength, so that
you can be a good leader, and then they'll
appreciate how much they've grown from
being on your team, or being under you,
whatever the structure is of that particular business.
Makes, yep, I 100% agree.
I 100% agree.
Listening is huge and not assuming.
Yep.
We do something with all of our...
folks on our team where we call it like a
check-in or regular check-in.
We ask them about 12, 13 questions.
We have some questions that, you know,
some people would not want to know the
answer to, you know, like what don't you
like about what you do?
You know, how, how can we improve?
Like, how can we help you with what, what
would you do if you were a CEO of my company?
Um, this kind of questions that really dig
deep, but it, it really gives you that feedback that you need
to know how to keep people happy on the
team.
Well, if you don't ask though...
Some people
don’t listen.
Yeah, if you don't ask,
some people, they'll just
hold it in because they don't think you
wanna know.
And sometimes it'll just stew till they
like just quit.
I have a couple tactics around that.
One, we asked the same question several
different ways throughout the conversation.
So if they avoided it the first time, you
know, we're gonna rephrase it later on.
Two, I'm not the one who's doing the
asking.
You know, Laney’s the one who will get that
feedback and they're gonna tell her a lot
faster than they're gonna tell me.
So this article also talks about seven
qualities of people who are highly respected.
So here are these qualities.
Be polite, given.
Act respectfully.
So yeah, that's that mutual respect, makes
sense.
Vixen, you win, you win.
Listen well, yes.
Be helpful.
If you're listening well, you can help
people better, right?
Don't make excuses.
That one rings the bell for me.
Don't make excuses.
Let go of anger.
And that's the thing we didn't talk a lot
about today, but managing your emotions is
also a way that you can earn or not earn
respect.
That's tough for some people.
That is really tough for some people.
It really is.
I mean, they don't know their triggers.
They don't know how to, as we call it,
bring it down.
You know, before, I mean, not everyone,
but it happens a lot, especially in the
workplace and in a relationship.
Yep, you just react.
Yep, easy way to lose respect.
The final one is be willing to change, and
I think if you're doing all these other
things well, that would come naturally.
But who knows?
Some people, you know, they, their map is
small.
We talked about the map before.
If their map isn't big enough, they're not
going to change or even do any of these things.
They don't realize that they need to
change.
The first thing to help them change is
understanding that they need to.
And if they think they're right.
There's no hope, no hope.
You know, you can lead a horse to water,
but trust me, I've got a lot of people
that I knew that some family members too
that you can't change them.
They are who they are.
Sometime people are
stubborn and they just don't care.
Or they just don't know, you know, there's
just that they're just lacking that
awareness all around.
Well, we're coming to the end of this
podcast.
Is there anything else you'd like to say
about this topic, Vixen?
No, I think we were pretty thorough on
this one.
I think if, and if you're an introvert
though, and you're finding that, you know,
you didn't understand why, what people are
perceiving of you from the outside.
Not that you're a bad person, don't get me
wrong, but just fake it one day.
Just one day consciously fake that and see
the difference.
You know, just walk in that room, just
pretend just for just a minute and see how
differently you're perceived.
Leave it in the comments.
If you do that, just leave comments and
tell us how it went for you.
That would be a great experiment.
As somebody who I call a situational
extrovert myself, I could experiment with
these things and it's kind of funny.
So I love to hear from anybody who's an
introvert and faking it how that goes for them.
Well, thank you everybody for tuning into
the Light Her Project podcast.
You can follow our conversation online
with our hashtag.
In the meantime, keep it real.
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