Making A Fresh Start

PODCAST TRANSCRIPT

Welcome to episode 17 of the Light Her Project podcast.

Real women.

Real talk.

I'm Rachel Strella.

and I'm Vixen Divine.

Thank you for tuning in today.

And I’m Deena Rabideau

We do have a guest.

Welcome.

So

Thank you.

Today's topic is making a fresh start.

So I'm really happy to have a guest here.

And I think she's best introduced by her

Instagram profile.

So it says, Mom, bar owner, was having fun

with the second half of my existence.

I also do not give a beep what others

think.

My kind of gal.

Thank you so much for joining us.

We actually met on TikTok.

So you don't often form relationships that

way.

But it was great.

So I'm really glad to have you here.

With the new year just around the corner.

Well thank you, thanks for having me.

Yes, yeah, it's so wonderful.

With the new year coming, you know, right

around the corner.

We're probably thinking about this.

So whether it's our careers or our personal lives

This topic seems pretty timely.

So we usually start our episodes talking

about our personal experiences.

So let's talk about a time when we had to

make a start and maybe what we learned

from it from that fresh start.

So for me, one of the things that sticks

out on my personal life in 2014, I left my husband.

And I moved from Harrisburg to Norristown

and I was completely on my own for the first time.

And my mom and dad were not like really

happy about it, especially my mom.

And so that was hard too, because you're

already making this life change and you

have people that are like, why are you

doing that?

So I think for me, what I learned is that,

you're gonna have doubters.

And like change can come as a shock to

people.

I know that some people can even take it

personally.

And one thing that I'll say though, is I

found that the people who doubt you the

most are the ones that probably don't have

the courage to make a change themselves.

So they undermine those who do.

And I remember one of my friends, a good

friend saying, you know, the grass isn't

greener on the other side.

And that always stuck out to me as an

attack.

Well, you know what, here's the thing

about that.

It can be awful.

It can be awful at the time.

It can feel really bad when people don't

get behind you on the things that you want

to do, because you need support at that

point.

But you know what?

When you stand up for yourself, like you

did, because you did it anyway, and you

did what you needed to do, you came out

better for it, didn't you?

See?

Yep.

It’s one of those things, what happened to me, well, several

things happened to me, but as far as

making a change and a fresh start, I think

also for me, one of the things, and I

think some of you guys know this story

about when I got divorced, and then I

suddenly ended up with two kids, a single

mom and two autistic children with no real world education.

I was educated.

Went to college, but I went to school for

business and had never actually worked in

business because I was a stay at home mom.

So I had no real world experience per se.

So that was a fresh start for real, but

you have to just make a determination and a decision.

And sometimes it doesn't matter what you

say, but what it taught me was, you know what?

You can make a fresh start whenever you

want.

Nobody has to give you permission.

It's just something you want to do and you

can do it and it's really not trouble at all.

100% agree.

I've had the similar experience as both of

you when getting divorced myself.

My mother was not happy.

My family was not happy.

It's almost like they kicked me out of the

family for a while.

And then I just feel like eventually

everyone calms down.

They accept it.

It starts to get better.

My ex-husband and I are best friends now.

And we've been divorced a very long time.

And we have a child.

My mom, you know, came around, everybody

came around and everything ended up fine.

My friends were, some friends were not

happy and all of that, but in the end,

ultimately it's you, it's your life, it's

your decision.

Everyone should be happy.

They should be.

And does, and any of you think of this, do

you think that these people are just

concerned about us?

Hmm.

Some, maybe some.

And what Rachel said is right though, a

lot of people don't have the courage to do it.

They want to do it, but they don't do it.

And then when someone is doing it,

they're like,

Well, let's go to some questions here.

So how do you know when it's time to make

a change, you know, or a new start,

like, what are you feeling?

You know, happy, bad, unhappy, complacent.

I think obviously unhappiness is a

definite indicator.

You know, you could be feeling stuck or

spinning your wheels.

Sometimes we're forced to, you know, we

hit bottom.

And we're creatures of habit.

So because it truly takes hitting rock

bottom before making a necessary change.

I know that happened with my brother.

Other times I think we just kind of wanna

pursue things because we're drawn to it or

passionate about it.

You may have heard that phrase, the heart

wants for the heart wants.

No, and I know from like the career

standpoint, it's easy to get bored too.

Some people say, oh, a job is just a job.

I think the older generation mentality was

like, you just got to do what you got to do.

You clock in, you clock out.

It's just work, you know?

And now there's just this deep sense of

purpose for the younger generations.

You know, they're in search of that and

that changed the game.

The gig economy changes the game.

And I know for me, like I have to like my

work.

If I'm not enjoying it, I know I need to

make a change and that's how I knew when I

wanted to start my business when I did in 2010.

What do you think, Deena?

Um, I feel like it could be a couple of

things, like a huge life change.

And you're like, oh my gosh, what am I

doing?

Like I could be, I'm not happy.

I'm not as fulfilled as I could be.

It's time for me to pivot.

Like, let me go try this.

Fear.

Fear is the killer of most for people.

Fear will stop you from doing anything.

It just kills the dream for a lot of

people because they're scared.

I recommend conquering them fears in your

30s so you can recover later if need be.

But I think a big life change sometimes

has to happen for people to be like,

that's it.

I'm gonna go do this.

I'm gonna try it.

I think that fear that you speak of, I

think if you're not afraid of whatever

you're about to do, then you're just

complacent.

It's not gonna be a change unless you fear

it, because you're gonna be in that same

spot because that's comfortable.

That comfortable spot is something you

already know how to do, something you

already did, somewhere you've already

been.

But that fear is somewhere you have not

been yet, because you don't know what's

happening, you don't know what's going on,

you don't know what's going on ahead.

Yeah, you're absolutely right.

But when you get there,

that's the place to be.

Then if that's in finance, that's in

personal life, that's in all of it.

You have to have a little bit.

Now, I'm not saying jump off a bridge.

Not saying that.

There's limits to that.

If you are, I hope some bungee cords are

strapped to your ankles if you're doing that.

But genuinely, be having common sense when

you do this.

But you should have a little bit of fear

when you move on to that next thing,

because that's when you know you've pushed

yourself.

I agree with you 100%.

So I know Vixen you have a special

interest in this question.

How do you keep your core identity in

place when making a life transition?

This is something that people, they feel

like they have to change.

When they make that transition, they feel

like they have to change who they are.

In other words, Lisa steps into the room.

Suddenly they have to be like Lisa because

they don't have their core self.

I love Madonna when she did this.

Remember that?

And the vogue.

Yeah.

Little box here.

Okay.

So you should have, everyone should have a

box.

That is your true self.

Now, don't get me wrong.

Sometimes you do change yourself to kind

of make Lisa feel a little more

comfortable, you know, that sort of thing,

but understand what you're doing.

You can't do that with Lisa and Jeff and

John and everyone, you know, you had a

boyfriend, John, suddenly you wanna go

kayaking.

Right.

You never liked kayaking, but suddenly

your best sport.

You know, that kind of thing.

So your core self is your core belief.

No matter if you're going camping, you

know you don't like bugs, so go glamping.

Just do that.

Have your core self and understand who you

are.

If you don't understand who you are, that

fresh start is worthless because you're

gonna change into something you don't

like.

Because you're changing things you don't

need to.

Change the things on your outside, but

keep that core on the inside.

Understand, if you have to write a little

tablet or a journal to remember, write

down who your core self is.

Some people don't know.

That's true.

Staying true to yourself is important.

Very important, very important.

So that's just the one thing I would say

about that.

That is the big deal I see.

Oh my gosh, I can give you some examples,

but y'all can talk, go on.

On another podcast.

Hahaha.

I understand what you're saying.

And I would actually argue though, that we

better identify who we are when we make a life transition.

So like, I know for me, I discovered

strength and resilience that I didn't know that I had.

And I learned a lot about myself, but I

think I had my core,

my core down, you know, like I

knew who I was.

But I learned so much more about who I was

in this process.

I mean, they say change is necessary for

growth, you know, I learned there's so

much that I learned when I make a change

like a massive change.

How about you, Deena?

Oh, I think I'm struggling with that right

now because I did just move.

Um, I have learned a ton about myself.

I would never, um, go anywhere by myself

or not go any like at where I came from,

where I grew up.

Yeah.

All day long, every day, all day, but like

traveling by myself, flying by myself, um,

leaving the house here and just venturing

out by myself. That would--

A year ago, no way, I would have told you

crazy.

If you would have told me that I'd be

doing this right now.

I still do, I am struggling with giving up

control of my business that I grew and cultivated.

And it, failure has always been, you know,

a word in my vocabulary, but it's never

happened to me.

I've been very blessed.

But I think some of that's contributed to

my strength.

You can't, you can't, I can't discount

that.

But trying to just stay true to myself,

like Rachel said, I know already that I'm

a strong person.

I can handle anything.

I've been through some things, I can

handle anything.

I can do it.

I just know I can do it.

Yeah.

And as business owners, we understand like

that would be a really hard thing to have to walk away from.

Yeah, I sold a percentage of my business

to one of my staff members.

That was her bargain and that's okay.

Um, I'm sick to myself about it, but I got

to trust that.

That I did enough with her that, she's

watched me enough.

She's been there 12 years that it's enough

to, until I decide to take both feet out

that, that she can do it for us.

Yeah, I understand that and Vixen

and I've talked about that before because

I have you know team of people and she

likes to keep things mostly in her hands, you know?

I have problems.

Are they good problems?

You got to, you got to, you got that

control, you know, get it.

All right.

So another question here, and we'll start

with Deena on this one.

When you have to start new because of an

unplanned change, like, how do you keep a positive mindset?

I don’t know, I was thinking about this.

I don't know if I've ever had to do

something that was unplanned, you know,

pivot or make a change.

That's well, I mean, I guess it didn't

change like the day to day, but like

losing my mom, like my whole life changed.

Things change.

That's when I was like, that's it.

I'm going to do this.

I don't, I can do this.

If I just went through that, I can do

anything.

Nothing's going to affect me.

But I don't think I've ever had to make a

change just on a dime like that.

Again, I'm going to go back to I'm blessed

and grateful that I've never had to do

that, but I'm confident that I could.

Okay, all right, that sounds good.

I like the confidence there.

You have to when you're solo, you know it

you gotta know there's nobody but you no

one's coming to save you, there's no

one but me

Well, keeping a positive mindset, I think,

is back to that core.

And it actually has to do with how you're

raised and your surroundings.

Because if you have negativity around you

constantly, you are likely to be a negative person.

You would have to...

To be a positive person, you would have to

make a serious

beeline for the positivity for it to even

manifest in your life because there's so

much negativity around you and how you

were raised the same way.

Those, your surroundings affect your life,

affect your thinking, affect how you are.

So you would need to really make sure and

be conscious of it.

If you have that control, assuming that

you do, start reading positive books.

Start reading positive change things, affirmations, because

the best way to handle and keep a positive mindset is

have one before you need one.

Oh yeah, I like that.

I like that.

Yes, good advice.

You are 100% right.

I, my mom is an extremely negative person.

Now she's, she went mentally ill about two

years ago, so she's a little different now.

But my whole life, it wouldn't matter what

it was, she'd be negative.

You know, if I had all A's and a B+,

what's up with the B+.

You know, stuff like that.

And so it was ingrained in me.

Like from the start, you know, I always

just was negative was where I went right away.

And I'm still a very skeptical person,

Vixen knows, you know, I took a conscious

effort for me to really turn that around

and be positive.

So I'm glad you brought that up.

As far as unplanned change though I think, you

know, change is constant.

Isn’t that a saying?

So things are gonna happen.

And unfortunate things are gonna

happen.

I know, you know,

Like when Nathan's dad died earlier this

year, that really was huge for us.

What we had to do to take care of his mom

and everything else, it was just a huge shock.

So one of the things that's helped me is

relying on other people.

I had a community of people from family

and friends.

My team stepped up.

I think it's so important to have people

around you that support you.

You know are going to be there because

it's so hard to get through some things

that you don't expect.

But I will say change is still necessary

for growth, even if it isn't something

that's unfortunate or unplanned.

You know, Nathan and I can both say we're

stronger this year after everything that's happened.

And we've had a lot of stuff happen in our

personal life, aside from his dad passing.

Well, that's good.

I mean, it's good that you can come up

with something positive after all that,

you know, those sort of things.

But I think you made a conscious effort

because you had more of a negative

upbringing in that respect.

You knew what it was.

You were able to identify it.

So you made a conscious effort to go away

from that.

It's almost like you see how you don't

want to be, what not to do.

Like they taught you to go the opposite,

which is only up.

That's kind of how I look at it when

people are negative like that.

They showed me what not to do, how I don't

want to be.

Exactly.

No, you're 100% right.

And I was really lucky to have somebody

who I considered to be more of a mother to

me as a role model in my life when I was

growing up, you know, and that really

helped turn things around for me.

Again, people I just don't know how you

can do certain things without that support.

Yeah.

Well, let's talk about what we're seeing.

So we found this TikTok post from a gal

who I'd never heard of, but she's actually

got a pretty big following, Anna Kai, and her

TikTok is, @itsmaybeboth.

So she has these five pieces of advice to

remember when you're starting over, and I

wanna get everyone's thoughts on that.

So the first thing she said is that the

beginning of something new often feels

like the end of life as you know it,

because it is.

She uses a metaphor about building a new

home when an old home is still standing

you need to completely demolish yourself

to start over. What do you guys think of that?

I feel like, cause I kind of had that

experience, like had a softy moment.

That's why I love to call it a softy

moment.

I get all wimpy.

Softy moment because we sold our family

home.

But it's still standing.

It's just someone else bought it and like

redid it.

And like, when I go by it, I'm like, oh,

they took the trees from the front yard.

I'm like, oh, they're parking on that side

now.

You know, I actually take it a little

personally that they changed the home.

But it doesn't feel like it's starting

over.

I just noticed the changes.

But the home that I'm in, I still feel

love for that home.

So I feel like they can coexist when

something old or something has been gone

away from you and something new.

I feel like they can coexist without

feeling like it's the end.

Agreed.

Yeah, I agree with you.

It's a little dramatic.

But I can kind of get what she's saying.

You know, sometimes you can't have your

foot in one area and then the other when

you're trying to make a change.

Like, if you really want to make a change,

you've got to make a leap fully over, you know.

I think that's a decision I'm struggling with

right now.

I either feel like I need to sell my home in Illinois and just be gone,

or I have to reconcile something somewhere.

Cause I don't know.

Right now I'm like one foot, one foot, I'm

50, 50.

I gotta get a hundred somewhere.

I feel like maybe to get going, to just be

done and go.

You want to put all your efforts in one

thing.

Yeah, and I think I'm just bored,

honestly, you guys.

I think I'm just bored right now, because

I've never not had anything to do, and I have nothing to do.

No.

Hey, I got plenty to do.

You're going to be

I was going to say, would you like a

project?

Yeah.

You can whip

my team into shape.

Oh, no, they're gonna edit this podcast

Okay, so our second thing she said the

best things in life will come from your

worst days hmm I don't know I mean I kind

of think that maybe the best things in

life can come from things that have

happened that are really bad. But I'm not

sure what you guys think

I don't know, even I feel like aren't the

worst days the bad days?

So I think that, yeah, I think she's right

in that respect where the reinvention

thing starts to happen because you don't

have, it's a bad thing.

Something bad has happened to you.

So you need a way out of it.

So that's when you invent something to get

out of it.

So that's where the good thing comes from.

So that's, I feel like you wouldn't have,

what they say, invention, what's that

mother of necessity or something?

Mmm, yeah.

Yeah, you invent stuff when you don't have

it.

So you're like, hmm, how can I get out of

this?

So I think something good can come out of

that when it's your worst days and you

really gotta get out of it.

Yeah, I think in retrospect, I would see

that at the time.

I don't think I'd see it, but after the

dust had settled, I'd probably would see

that there was some kind of glass full,

half full that came out of it.

Um, but I try, sometimes I just don't

think too deep into things.

I put them away and I move on.

Mm.

Yeah.

Oh, you don't sit and stew over it?

I try not to.

I try not to.

It'll keep you up at night.

Okay, I admit it does keep me up at night.

I'm in the middle of the night.

I think of something in the middle of

the night.

I'm tapping my husband.

Hey.

Yeah, so you can't let it do it to you.

You just can't let it.

You can't let it in.

Rest is the most important thing.

Well, number three, she says, you can

either live your life afraid of what

others will say about you behind your back

or you can live your life knowing that

regardless of what you do, others will

always talk about you.

I think nail on the head, you can't get

any better than that.

That's 100% correct.

Well, Rachel, you know.

You already know.

I, it don't matter what you say about me.

I-- girl.

I don't care.

Mm-mm.

I don’t even have

time for that.

I love it.

I think as I've gotten older, it's been

easier for me to accept that.

I think there was a part of me that felt

like, oh, I need to change everybody's

minds and I need to prove to them that

they're wrong.

But as I got older, it was like, who gives

a crap?

They're wrong.

It's not worth my time.

Yep.

Yeah, I think maybe and especially more

because of we're women.

We care too much.

But I think there was a certain age where

I was like, no, I can't care anymore.

It can't affect me anymore.

You're not me.

You don't walk my shoes.

You don't have to live my life.

Mind your business.

I'm not hurting anyone.

There's no reason.

Mm-hmm.

I really wish young people, and this, I

mean, older people happen to this, they

happen with this too, but so many

teenagers in particular, oh my gosh, they care.

They care about that other, the girl who,

you know, is popular when that said over there, they care.

They care too much about people that don't

actually matter.

They just don't realize that they don't

actually matter.

And I don't know, there must be some,

parental thing that we can do.

I mean, my mom tricked me into not caring,

but that's a whole nother story there.

But it worked and it worked just fine.

I'm glad she did it.

A lot of it I think is social media too.

They just compare themselves to everything

they see, everyone they see, the kids who

have the better, you know, and I mean, I

grew up very poor.

I didn't have hardly anything.

And thank God there wasn't social media

because I don't think I'd be as strong of

a person today as I am had I felt that

inferior watching all these other people

have things that I couldn't have.

I can agree with that because I grew up

poor too and it always bothered me, you

know, that feeling like I was inferior.

Social media only elevates those feelings.

Oh gosh yeah.

Yeah.

I just think even growing up middle class,

there was always somebody who had more than you.

There always is, yep.

So even, I think even having, no matter

what class you're in, you're still gonna

find somebody, you know,

Even someone rich is not, what is her

name?

The North girl, yes, those people.

So you're always gonna find somebody who

is higher than you as far as social status

and such, no matter where you are.

So I feel like that strong mindset, it's

really can start from home.

I think maybe there should be some like

parental classes or something, don't they have those?

Yeah, yeah, I had to take one when I got

divorced.

I had to.

It was mandated.

Yeah, now I don't think they do it.

I think on social media, too, though,

people, these young girls, they can be

whoever they want to be, and they can

pretend and portray things, you know, a

snippet of their life as perfect.

And they have all these things.

But then when they turn that phone off,

they don't, you know, it's a big mind...

Mind mess for people.

Yep, we talked about that before.

It's really interesting and scary.

Yeah, for young

people.

Yes.

Yeah, who don't know any better.

And then they don't pick what they want to

actually do in far as what they want to

actually be, what they love.

They pick what they think is going to

bring them the most money.

100%, 100%.

And it's not fulfilling.

You could have all the money.

Money should not motivate people.

Money should be a bonus.

Be happy.

You gotta get up.

You gotta be happy where you're going

every day.

And they learn that later.

They learn that later.

Yeah.

Alright, two more left, number four.

Life isn't fair, but you don't need to

wait for it to become fair in order for you to try.

At this point, you know, she's saying, live your life, for

the only voice that matters, the one inside your head.

Girl, you don't want to be inside my head.

There’s a couple of voices in there.

But you're talking about one voice.

Okay, let's go to the main one.

Yeah, the main one is the one that is the

upstanding, don't give a crap person.

And she's the one that I mostly listen to.

I don't know.

I'm not a big fan of when they say that's

not fair.

I'm not a big fan of that.

I just, I don't know.

Everyone's in control of you.

You bring what you give out and I mean,

certain situations, yeah, it's cut and

dry, you know, but there are a lot of

areas where I think if you want it, you got to go get it.

Don't-- you don't wait and yeah you are the

only person who matters that's it, in

your in your thing in your lane in your

box with what you're doing or where you're

trying to get to it's just you that's it

do it you just have to do it

Alright last one, today is

not too late no matter how old you are.

Commence that.

I agree with that.

Okay, so I have this thing.

So I used to be a Wilhelmina model, okay?

But as a younger person, did you guys ever

see those commercials?

I’ve fallen and I can't get up.

Okay, so I have always wanted to do one of

those commercials, okay?

So, but obviously I was too young.

I did not look the part.

They were not gonna cast me, right?

But it's never too late.

So no matter how old you are, I'm getting

that part.

I'm telling you, that's my I'm striving to

that.

I can see that.

That's the next, Rachel, you got to set

that up for her with your team.

You got to get that filmed.

So wait Vixen our next--

She’ll do it so gracefully too.

Our next marketing day Vixen, we're going

to do it.

I might, I might, you know, I dance on

tables, who knows?

She's a trained beauty professional.

Look at her, she's beautiful.

Alright guys, well we're coming to the end

of the podcast, this has been really great.

Is there anything else you want to add

about this topic?

Ahh.

I think our personal experiences pretty

much speak for themselves.

It is just hard to understand that when

you need to change when you need to change

or you want to change just understand who

you are first who that-- like I said, even

if you have to write it down. Understand

who you really are first and what's

because if you try to change that. That

part. That's going to make you unhappy in the end.

You can change your clothes, you can

change your hair, you can change where you

work, you can change all that stuff.

But when you start acting differently and

it is an act, it's going to come back to

haunt you and you won't be able to keep

that up too long anyway.

Yeah, if it's not genuine, absolutely.

I think people, my best advice, don't

overcomplicate.

People overcomplicate everything.

It's not that complicated.

I think I've always just simplicity.

I just keep it simple.

That's it.

I agree.

I think for me, I know a lot

of folks that are unhappy, you

know, and they wanna make a change, but

that fear, that guilt, you know, holds them back.

And it just paralyzes them.

So they just do nothing.

And so if I had any piece of advice, it's

like inaction is action.

You know, keep doing what you're doing,

you're gonna get exactly what you've always had.

So, you know, for those who are desperate

for a change in their life, you know,

reality is it does come with a price tag.

It's a risk.

But it's a risk that you should be willing

to take if you really want to get to the other side.

There's a whole lot of fear, risk, reward,

all of it.

It's all together.

And be nervous.

You're not nervous.

You're not doing anything new.

Yeah, I always had a friend tell me, don't

be afraid to stand in the heat.

If you can stand in the heat and get

called on the carpet and you can handle it, you can do anything.

Yep, I had a friend who always said face

the music, you know, gotta do the hard thing.

The harder thing is usually the right

thing, but you gotta do it.

Yep. Absolutely.

Alright, well, thank you for tuning into

the Light Her Project podcast and you can

follow our conversation online with our

hashtag and in the meantime, keep it real.

Real women.

with Real Talk.

Thanks for having me.