Let’s Talk About Sex!


Welcome to the Light Her Project Podcast,

Real Women.

Real talk.

I'm Rachel Strella.

And I'm Vixen Divine.

Welcome, welcome.

So before we jump into our topic today,

let's just check in with each other a

little bit.

Vixen, how is things for you?

How's your week going so far?

Oh my goodness, I had the greatest.

Are you ready?

Okay, I got this here.

I found the best mascara.


Okay, so I have an issue with mascara.

I don't like the falsies, what do you call


Extensions, you know, that you-- don't

really care for them.

And the strip lashes, they can get like a

little messy.

Like I just don't, I just don't prefer it.

If you can do it, great.

It's just not, I'm not great at it.

So I prefer a good mascara.

But mascara, you know, you rub your eyes

and it's all over everywhere or it doesn't

give you like the length that you want.

So this one, I just tried it because it

sounded good.

Actually, it's good.

It's by Tarte, it's called Light Camera


So if anyone is looking for a good

mascara, like, highly recommend this.

This is the best so far.

Best so far.

Like I would buy this again.

I don't have, I'm not equipped to do

lashes myself.

I mean, I have the whole kit that I bought

from Laney's Amazon store, but I have yet

to actually try it.

I feel, I feel like your updates are

always so pleasant.

Mine are always a little more, you know,

dreary, but

I'm sorry.

I actually have some good news for

everybody who was listening last time.

I had a bit of a scare and I had all of my

scans on Monday and everything turned out

negative which is great.

But this process taught me so much, so


So many women have to be in this position

where they get these call backs and

they're scared like do I have cancer?

What's going on?

You know, you pay almost $500 for this

additional screen just to find

out that you're fine after you worried for

you know 10 days two weeks.

So I'm gonna write about this in my blog

post not this coming weekend but the

following weekend and I've got so much

information to share for women who are

probably googling Dr.

Google like I was.

And Dr.

Google, watch Dr.

Google, he can really, it's the not


The not knowing is really the part that

really just can let your brain go


That's the word.

I'll say one thing.

I think that a man created this machine

and a man created all the machines for the

additional scans as well.

So I'll just leave that there.

Okay, okay.

Another podcast on that, that's another


For anybody under 40, enjoy it while you


Well let's get to today's topic.

So we plan to discuss something a little

different, but definitely important.

So we're gonna talk about intimacy today.

And I think we have some unique insights

to offer on this topic.

But first, so we're now going to the poll.

And I'll say that we did not get nearly as

many poll results as we did when we talked

about social media.

I think everyone's a little shy, but we

got enough that I feel we have a good


So I thought I'd share some of those


One question is how often are you intimate

with your partner?

And honestly, we got a lot of different

answers, but the majority of people fell

in several times a week or around once a


Okay, so at least weekly was the average.

I mean, and just for the record, these are

people who are all over the age range, 20, 30,

40, 50,  and beyond.


I asked a question about, do you or your

partner have any limitations that would

inhibit, such as maybe if somebody has an

erectile dysfunction or chronic pain.

And actually, of all the people who took

it, only 20% said no.

So that tells me that 80% had some sort of

limitation that was creating a problem for

them and limiting the activity that was

going on.

Right, and sometimes that blood flow kind

of decreases as you get a little older.

Yeah, I could see that too.

I asked people if there was one thing you

could change about intimacy with your

partner, what would it be?

And I got a lot of different responses


I'll say that about half of people said

nothing, they're very happy.

But one of the things that were common was

the stress, like the stress, external

stressors, day-to-day stress, stuff like


So that's pretty common, I would assume.

Pressure, even pressure, like when people

go, they want to have, get pregnant.

It's like not, it's pressure.

It's like they want to get pregnant now.

So they're not even thinking about the


They're thinking about getting pregnant.


Right, and it's stressing them out and

they're not getting pregnant.


You know, I had to throw that question out


How often do you feel bad because you're

not more intimate with your partner?

I, the overall feeling that I've gotten

from talking with women casually is that

men want it all the time and women are

kind of like, you know.

So I had to ask and I would say the

majority of people said sometimes.

I got about 20% rarely, about 30% never,

and then some often.

So it was a little bit mixed.

But the people who took our poll are

mostly women, am I if that's listen, we


We busy.

We got stuff to do.

You are interrupting my flow.

So sometimes, you know, it's just you got

to wait, OK?

I got other things that you got to wait

your turn.


Two more things that we talked about here

is do you find the intimacy with your

partner as exciting as it was when we

first met?

You know, why or why not?

And I got a whole lot of different

responses there.

Couple of yeses, but a couple of like, of

course not.

Hell no.

You know, and people that were kind of

neutral, like maybe not as exciting

because it's a little different now.

But that was a little bit, you know, all

over the place.

And that's probably assumed.

Yeah, I mean, it is different because you

have different things are not the same.

They're different circumstances now than

when you met.

You might have kids or you might live

differently or you might live in a house

where you lived in an apartment like

things are different.

So all kinds of different circumstances or

your mother-in-law may have moved in.


Or you know what, like in the beginning of

a relationship there's always that

butterfly feeling and there's like that

I'm just I just gotta be around this

person all the time and after a while and

then around all the time we're kind of

like, yeah.

The husband just got to start buying them

new outfits, new shirts, new...

Like, I don't know about y'all, but my

husband will not buy it himself.

Like, I have to go out and buy it.

I'm like, oh, this will look good on him.

And then he puts it on.

I'm like, that's a nice shirt.


There you go.

Good tactic there.

Well the final question I asked the ladies

is if there was anything else they'd like

to say about their relationship with their


And you know we got some great stuff there


I felt like you know we communicate a lot

you know about our intimacy or we

understand each other's needs.

And what they've learned from past

relationships or it's their best friend so

it sounds pretty healthy and positive


Which is great.

But the ones who didn't take our poll,

sometimes I'm thinking some people need a

little help.


Alright, well let's just jump right into

some questions, some of our own personal

experiences and maybe what you know some

burning minds want to know here.


So one is, is intimacy different from sex?

And how do you communicate that?

And the thing that I'll say about, there

is a difference.

If you actually look up what intimacy is,

it's not sex.

I think we say intimacy because it's kind

of polite in our culture instead of like


But it is absolutely different.

And I think it has a lot to do with more

of the actual connection to that person

than it does

just the physical aspect of it.

Well, I think you can have intimacy

without having sex.

So it's completely, it's different.

It's, sex is the act of, you know, whereas

intimacy is like the, think of the

intricates of knowing someone.

You know, you can get to them that way.

Like you're in their mind, you're in their


They think of you all the time.

Like that,


opposed to sex as the actual act of having

the physical sex.

As opposed to yeah exactly but how do you

communicate that is well first of all you

gotta know the difference so that was the

first part so if you know the difference

so now you do um you can just

talking is so good.

I know guys do not wanna hear this, but

talking is, listen, if you don't wanna

talk, just listen to what we say.

And then if you listen to what we say,

you're gonna even score better if you

listen to what we say.

And not try to fix it too.

Like just because you're hearing us

doesn't mean you gotta fix it.

We just need some time to communicate.

Men like to fix things, yeah, but


Men don't like to talk, like in general,

especially about feelings and stuff, so...

I'm really lucky in that respect.

Like I have a good relationship with my

husband in that way.

But he's not just gonna wake up in the

morning and start talking about his


You know, you really have to like be at

the right time and place to be able to

have him open up.

Oh, sometimes, sometimes there are times

when I have to say, okay, I am trying to

have a conversation with you right now.

That means you have to respond.

Get it?

Oh, man.

All right.

So what are the common challenges couples

face in maintaining intimacy over time?

You know, busy schedules, stress, life

transitions, and what practical strategies

can we offer to overcome these obstacles?


We already hit some of them on the head

and obviously the ladies in our poll

stress is there and we're busy.

Yeah, very, very busy.

Most people, most people are busy.

But I think that goes back to household


If you have some kind of system, some kind

of household order, then you're not

stressed about that.

The number one stressor in a marriage,

they say, is money.

You know, finances is the number one


But in a sexual aspect,

right behind that, like I said, is, oh, I

wanna have a baby.

And it's so ironic that you stress about

having this baby.

So you're basically most of the time

having forced sex after a while.

And then, but the reason sometimes, and

not everyone, but sometimes the reason

you're not getting pregnant is because of

the stress you put on yourself about

getting pregnant.


Yes, absolutely.

I mean, there's enough studies done about

that and how many people actually got

pregnant when they stopped trying.

As opposed to just doing it, just enjoying


But the practical how to basically

overcome that, other than the scheduling

and having some kind of order, because

when you have order, you can get things


And then after they're done, then you can


And with that relaxation, then comes that

natural intimacy, natural sex.

I will say that based on our last podcast,

one thing that we all struggle with now is

turning off to relax.

Turning off the cell phone or putting it

down with TV, whatever it is, but we feel

like we've gotta be connected or we've

gotta be doing something.

And I think that's hard for people to

actually put that down and focus on

another person.

I really believe it's a challenge for a

lot of people.

I think that maybe that they can do it


Like my husband and I do it together as

far as watching TV.

He's a TV watcher.

He's definitely a TV watcher.

But when I'm in the studio or when I'm in

at work, like in my place of work, he

doesn't come in and bother me.

Like I have, you know, I have the sign on

the door, like I have a do not come in or

you can come in.

So he doesn't bother me.

But when I'm done...

I can go in the living room where he is

and he'll put on a show that I like and we

watch it together.

Like there's some nights that we watch,

oh, together.

So the TV does help us like, and we talk

about it.

We talk about it.


Well, we watch shows together at night as


The problem I think I come into my

obstacle is I pass out on the couch.

Like I start watching TV, like clockwork,

and then I wake up, I don't know what time

it could be, one, two, three, and I

stumble upstairs to go to bed.

So there goes any chance of intimacy.

You know?

But I will say that as a practical


it's really just making that time like for

us like our life is kind of stressful

right now And so like it's so important

for us to take that time.

This weekend, we went away this coming

weekend we're going away.

That's just you know time for us.

When we take you know vacation, just

having that time that's just ours.

It's so important because it's that time

to kind of reconnect as a couple around.

There are also things that you can do as

far as even the regular things.

Like, like we just talked about TV.

Well, maybe you can watch the same


Like we watch in the living room, but

maybe you can watch the same programs on

the TV in your bedroom.

So then you're in bed, you're comfortable.

You can kind of snuggle like that kind of


So that, so where you are, you can do the

same thing, but in a much more intimate,

comfortable position.

And that will also make a difference.

I mean, usually by the time we get up

there and he turns on the TV, now I'm in

an even more comfortable position, I'm out


So, but we're working on that.

I mean, we're really trying to make the

effort to, I feel like we've been married

almost 10 years.

It's kind of a cyclic, I guess I should


I mean, not all the time is it always

going to be perfect, but not all the time

is it always going to be a certain way,

you know, it's just...

So, now while I'm talking about marriage

and all of that, now Vixen and I, you

know, we've both been married before.


And so what differences did you experience

in maybe your previous marriage versus

your current?

You know, did you learn any lessons as far

as intimacy as you moved on?

I did, I did.

I have learned so many lessons.

But one lesson I've realized that men are

general, this is generally, generally they

super love sports.

So don't try to have sex during a football



I learned that.

Yeah, that's almost like, you know, me

watching HGTV.

So that's their thing.

So in other words, if they have a favorite

thing that they're doing, whether it's out

in the garage or what, don't try to

interrupt that thing.

Because I mean, it might go well here and

there, but honestly, for the most part,

probably, that focus is split.

Right, absolutely.

I can agree with that.

Don't let them do whatever it is.

So don't try to interrupt that thing.

That's a big one.

That's the number one.

I made that mistake a lot in my first


And be honest, be honest.

Now you cannot be honest for the other

person because I can hear y'all now, oh,

but he lies all the time.

Or you cannot be honest for the other


You can only be honest for you.

So if it doesn't work out, you can

honestly say, you said so in the


Because my first marriage, I was extremely


I was like,

When I remember, I was in college, he

asked me out.

I said, okay, before we even go out, okay,

so I don't cook and I don't clean.

Now, I meant in a homemaker type of way,

obviously I know how to eat, I know how

to, you know, but in a homemaker type way,

like I'm telling you, I'm not

domesticated, like I'm upfront with you.

Do you still wanna go out with me?

Answer was yes.

Okay, so I was up front.

So later on, I found out he was like,

well, I thought I could teach you because

my dad taught my mom.

I never said I wanted to learn.

Never not one time.

I was extremely honest, like.

So he wanted to change you, essentially.

Yeah, that's definitely a recipe for

disaster, yeah.

So you can't be honest for them, you can

only be honest for yourself.

You can't be honest for that person.


Well, my experience is slightly different,

I guess.

You know, I kind of, when I married the

first time, I married somebody who I would

say is a roommate.

We were really good friends, and we were

friends well before we got married.


We were roommates.

Like we had our system down for what we

did with our life.

You know, and there was very little

intimacy there.

Very little.

Like that poll wouldn't have been

non-existent for an answer.

And I don't know like the whole reason

around that because we didn't really talk

about it.

You know, it wasn't like, it was just our

normal, I guess I should say.

We got along

Really had no issues.

I mean, the if we had stressors, it was

outside, it was family, it was work, but

like we together were fine.

And he's also like a really good person.

So it took me a while to realize that I

actually needed intimacy to like make that


But I didn't know how to communicate that,

you know, so one lesson I've learned now

is like,

you're allowed to communicate that and not

be afraid.

Kind of like you're saying about be honest

and whatever.

And so like, that's just something that I


I crave not just not just a physical like

part of it, but like that whole like

feeling like somebody's just got you, you

know, and you connect on that level.

There was kind of that missing too,

because you connect different with your

spouse and you do you know your best



I, and now that I'm married again, I see

the difference in that.

Yes, like with my husband, I can tell him

the goofiest things.

I could tell him like whatever, like he is

my best friend.

Like, and he can put up with me.

You know, that kind of thing.

So that connection also, and you know, he,

it takes a lot to tolerate me sometimes.


When he says I'm not the easiest to get

along with.

I am, I am so much better now than I was,

you know, and because I do sometimes I go

in the kitchen, I make up a little


You know, I do make that effort.

And now that I'm older, you know, I've

done some things.

So I've seasoned off a little bit.

Yes, I understand.

Sometimes I feel like you almost need that

first marriage to kind of get you prepared

for whatever's next.

I mean, it sounds horrible, but with so

many people getting divorced, I mean, it's

not unusual.

Well, honestly, I feel like now I've heard

about this and I've heard about this

later, but I didn't have it.

And I feel like if I'd have had it, like

I'd have never gotten married the first


Like if we'd have taken, I feel like there

was this thing called, you used to go to

your pastor and they would like talk to

you about the marriage.

Like before you got married, before you

got married.

Or whoever your spiritual person is before

you got married.

And that kind of went to the wayside, but

I feel like if I had that prior to, then

so I feel like it's about asking the right


I feel like honestly, and you would,

you're wasting a lot of time.

I mean, it's great if you're just having

fun, but if you're actually interviewing,

that's what I call dating, interviewing

for a spouse, like there's certain things

that you kind of need to gel together on,

and if you don't, like it's not gonna


Right, right.

I get it.


I just think for me I was too young and

didn't really know.

You know, it just made sense, right?

So, sounds like a dumb excuse.

But, and I remember when I decided I was

gonna leave my husband, you know, I had a

friend of mine say, you know, this person

could be a really great guy, but is he a

great guy for you?

And that was like the wake up call for me

because I felt so much guilt, you know,

that I felt this way.

But at the end of the day, who wants to

spend the rest of their life with somebody

that you just didn't feel was right for



All right, so Vixen, this is a question

for you.

How did intimacy change when you had


When you have children, it's a learning

curve because pre-children, before child,

children, however many you have, you have

all the time in the world.

It's all about you.

You only have you and the other one adult

who doesn't depend on you because they're

an adult.


In an ideal world anyway.


But then you have this child, they are

basically helpless.

They can't do anything.

So you have to do every little thing and

the amount of time that takes up.

Maternity leave is not long enough, honey.

The amount of time that takes up is



Getting that schedule together and again,

is he gonna participate in that schedule?

Or are you doing that, all of that?

How did that work out?

Did you talk about that?

Okay, so are you gonna stay home when you

have children or are we gonna go back to


All of that.

So getting the schedule together was

really important.

So that first two months is like,

Oh, I can only imagine.

There was not no time you just couldn't--

no, there's no time.

And you're so you're like a chicken with

your head cut off and I mean specifically

for the first one.

The second one is not nearly as bad.

You know if you have multiples, but the

first one you have no clue the books can

give you like an idea, but not really.

Not really.

So it was a time issue.

It was a time issue and

then it was a self-confidence issue

because for most women you gain weight.

And yeah, so you're not in the body that

you're used to having.

And I mean, after the first one, that's

the best time when it kind of bounced

back, but you still don't bounce back like

at that second.

Do you know what I mean?

So you're still, so you're a little chubby

from what you're used to seeing.

So if he's not supportive,

that could go like either way.

That could go, oh, he's like, well, you

don't look the same now.

Or he could be patient and like encourage

you to help you out, to like get you back.

Cause the first one you really do go back

like pretty quickly with a little bit of


The second one you need a lot of


Cause it takes time.

It really takes a lot more time than the

next one.

But so yeah, it's just a matter of


So once you get the schedule together and

the baby starts sleeping, has a schedule

and that sort of thing, then you can

really begin to think about getting back

into intimacy, getting back into sex,

because that's all it is.

It's a matter of, I don't have time.

Right, right.

That makes sense.

Well, I'm glad that I don't have to

experience that, but, so a lot of what

we've talked about here is more like

longer term relationships, but one

question that I have for, especially

thinking about younger

women that might be listening to this

program that maybe aren't in a long term


You know, let's talk about casual sex for

a minute.

You know, what are the differences in how

women and men are perceived in that


And let's just face it, like, if men, I

feel like the perception is whatever, but

women, she's a slut.

She's a slut.

If she's sleeping around, having casual

sex, she's a slut.

Yeah, if you're a woman, you're a whore.

If you're a man, you're a stud.

It can be the same body count.

Same body count.


How does that...

I mean, how do you feel about that?

Okay, so in the first place, I don't think

anybody should be sleeping around way too


Like the body count, I feel like honest,

in my opinion, honestly, it should fit on

this hand.

It should fit on this hand, if anything at

all, before you get married.

I kid you not.

I know, y'all, yes, I'm old, but I, so if

you go beyond this hand.


Anybody, I think is too much.

What they say?

They say now you're doing too much?

You're doing too much if you pass this


Because there is, this is a problem.

If you have too much experience and the

person then you fall in love with doesn't

have experience, that can be a problem in

the bedroom.

Because you're supposed to learn together.

You're supposed to experience this


So that could be an imbalance and that can

cause problems.


No, I get it.

I-- my first husband was a virgin when we

got married.

So I mean, or when we started dating

anyway so it's definitely a big difference

not saying that I was sleeping around but

I get why people would wait and why you

learn together because it's just a

different level then.

And you also don't, the good thing is you

don't have anything to compare it to.

Right, true.

You're not disappointed in any way.

Right, exactly, exactly.

It's just fine because that's the way it


And that's the way it's supposed to be for


So then you don't agree with the whole,

you know, you gotta take the car for a

test drive first.

Because I, you know me, I watch Love is

Blind, I love Love is Blind, and that's

one of the biggest things when they send

them off to wherever, Dominican Republic

or Mexico, it's ooh!

You know, will their intimacy, you know,

and conversation

match up to their physical intimacy, you

know, and so there's expectation that now

we gotta, we gotta take the car out for a


Well, see, here's the thing about that


If you have an abnormality, and this is a

true story, this really happened, whereas

he wanted to wait and she agreed, so they

waited till they got married, and she

divorced him almost instantly.

Can I tell you why?

He had a very small penis, like unusually,


like it was an abnormality.

So that's something that you need to


That's not something that...



How did he not know?

I mean.

And so he obviously knew this, and maybe

that was the reason that he wanted to


He thought he could kind of woo her, and

then it wouldn't make a difference.

But that's something I feel like she

should have gotten a choice on, and she

was pissed.

She was.

Oh, now that comes down to communication,

which I believe is the number one thing

that you need when you're going to get


I would feel a little like really you

couldn't tell me that.

That's almost like having a disability,


You have something, an abnormality, a

disability that should have been, it's

gonna affect the both of you.

It's gonna affect the both of you.

I mean, some people can't have sex and

they're married and that's okay for

whatever reason they can't, you know, they

love each other but not everybody is like


And so some people just need what they

need and that's that.

So at least it was over quick, right?

No dragging it on for years.

Yeah, it was bad.

This has been a great conversation.

If anybody in the audience has questions,

you know, you'd love for us to answer

another time, send us a DM or whatever, I

know you're not going to put it on the


But in the meantime, you know, thank you

guys for tuning in to the Light Her

Project podcast and you can follow our

conversation online with the hashtag.

In the meantime, keep it real.

Real women.

with Real Talk.


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