Caring for Aging Parents

Podcast Transcript

[Rachel Strella] Welcome to Episode of Light Her Project podcast.
Real women.

[Vixen Divine] Real talk.

[Rachel Strella] I'm Rachel Strella.

[Vixen Divine] And I'm Vixin Divine.

[Rachel Strella] Thank you for tuning in today.
Today's topic is caring for aging parents.

[Rachel Strella] Yeah, so,

[Vixen Divine] It’s a touchy one.

[Rachel Strella] you know how we like to start
our podcast talking about our personal experiences.

[Rachel Strella] And I certainly have a lot
of experience with this. So right now, both

[Rachel Strella] my parents are still alive.
And I have guardianship over my mother. I have

[Rachel Strella] co-guardianship with my dad
because she suffered from mental illness a few

[Rachel Strella] years ago. So she's kind of
my responsibility now. And my dad, well, he's

[Rachel Strella] had a lot of health problems
the past , years, but most recently, he

[Rachel Strella] was in the hospital for cellulitis.
And then they found out he had a bleeding peptic

[Rachel Strella] ulcer and he still got the
cellulitis. So definitely got my hands full

[Rachel Strella] with aging parents. So both
of them live about an hour away and they live

[Rachel Strella] out in the middle of nowhere,
which also makes that complicated because they

[Rachel Strella] don't have easy access to
any type of medical care. Top of that, obviously

[Rachel Strella] when you have in-laws, they're
your family too.

[Vixen Divine] Right?

[Rachel Strella] Suddenly in March, unexpectedly
my father-in-law passed away and... He was

[Rachel Strella] primary caretaker for my mother-in-law
and we had a huge responsibility taking that

[Rachel Strella] on. It was a lot to already
deal with his death and all that came with that.

[Rachel Strella] But we also had a lot to deal
with his mom in terms of getting her the care

[Rachel Strella] that she was used to, figuring
out what we want to do long term because her

[Rachel Strella] solution wasn't sustainable.
We finally found a place for her at Hershey.

[Rachel Strella] It's a retirement community,
a senior living community. She hasn't been

[Rachel Strella] she's been less than cooperative
with that. So it's definitely adding to, you

[Rachel Strella] know, the stress. It feels
like it takes up a lot more of my day to handle

[Rachel Strella] any one of three of these
parents and to handle myself.

[Vixen Divine] I don't have quite that situation.
My father passed away several years ago,

[Vixen Divine] I mean over years ago, like
a long time. And my mother is actually in pretty

[Vixen Divine] good health for her age. She'll
be this year. And she does listen to me

[Vixen Divine] for the most part about things
that when she has a health issue. She'll call

[Vixen Divine] me about it. What should she
do? And I like that she listens to me because

[Vixen Divine] of my medical background. I
think that's why

[Vixen Divine] she likes that. So I'm also
sort of caring for an aging parent, but she's

[Vixen Divine] a lot more independent

[Vixen Divine] than what your situation is.
She does also live in a senior community, but

[Vixen Divine] she's in the independent side.
does most everything for herself, of course,

[Vixen Divine] they have the luxury. They have
chefs and they have someone who comes in and

[Vixen Divine] cleans and they have all. It's
great living in

[Vixen Divine] a senior community. But yeah, so we
pretty much the siblings and I pretty much

[Vixen Divine] pay the bill along with her.
Like we put all the money together, even hers

[Vixen Divine] and all of our to make sure.
And it's, you know, it's a couple of thousand

[Vixen Divine] a month more than that. Um,
but for her to be able to have all of that.

[Vixen Divine] And then access though, in

[Vixen Divine] a senior community, in case
you're wondering, access. If they do have a

[Vixen Divine] problem, someone medically is
there to always help. So

[Vixen Divine] like in your situation, your mom's
gonna have a problem, your mother-in-law is

[Vixen Divine] gonna have a problem, that sort
of thing, there is gonna be someone right there

[Vixen Divine] to help. So that's always great.

[Rachel Strella] Yeah, and I mean, from what
you've told me, your mom is appreciative of

[Rachel Strella] where she's at. There was
no expectation of anything else.

[Vixen Divine] Oh, no, no. My mother, I found
out, and I didn't even know this till after

[Vixen Divine] she started living there. She
said that she did not expect to live in the

[Vixen Divine] hotel living is what she calls
it. She expected to just go to a senior living like

[Vixen Divine] Not with all of this, you know,
[Rachel Strella] Like assisted living or nursing home.

[Vixen Divine] Yeah, very basic senior living care
facility, but the fact that she had all of

[Vixen Divine] us and we're all doing okay
for ourselves, then she's raising us well,

[Vixen Divine] really prompted her to be able
to do this, is really how it was.

[Rachel Strella] Yes I understand and I mean there
are some places where you could put parents

[Rachel Strella] that are a little less than
hotel living. You know, so it is honestly after

[Rachel Strella] looking at where my mother-in-law
is It's it is a beautiful resort that she lives

[Rachel Strella] on and they have activities
every hour. They have meals. They have the physical

[Rachel Strella] therapists that come to you.
They have these little trolleys to take you

[Rachel Strella] out on excursions I mean,
there's always something going on. It's beautiful

[Rachel Strella] two-bedroom two bathroom place.
So definitely something I'd love for my own

[Rachel Strella] parents to take advantage
of at some point in time.

[Vixen Divine] Yeah, yeah, definitely.

[Rachel Strella] Oh, well, let's go to a couple
questions. I know that we've been

[Rachel Strella] on this formula now with questions.
So one question that was brought to our attention

[Rachel Strella] is in other cultures, it's
expected that your parents live with you, they

[Rachel Strella] live with the children, and
that they're taking care of. But in America,

[Rachel Strella] we typically just put them
in a nursing home. Wow. Way to touch on the guilt strings there.

[Vixen Divine] I like that. Guilt strings.
I have to use that.

[Rachel Strella] I don't know what you think
about that.

[Vixen Divine] Well, I think it's a matter
of communication. In all honesty, the way these

[Vixen Divine] things are communicated when
they're doing well, before they get to this

[Vixen Divine] point where we're talking to
each parent and dealing with this parent, before

[Vixen Divine] that, when they're vibrant,
when they're our age, I'm in my s, you're

[Vixen Divine] in your s. When you, our age,
if we communicate these to whomever we were

[Vixen Divine] designating this to on what
we expect, then it won't be a shocker. But

[Vixen Divine] I'll tell you what, a lot of
communication falls away to the wayside until

[Vixen Divine] it's five seconds till you need to make that decision.
[Rachel Strella] Yes, right. You're absolutely right.

[Vixen Divine] No planning.
[Rachel Strella] Right. We're very unprepared.

[Vixen Divine] Yeah, very, no planning, no
planning.

[Rachel Strella] Yeah, I think we believe we're
going to live forever. Or at least that's what

[Rachel Strella] I think our parents think
because they don't typically proactively make

[Rachel Strella] those plans. And that's where
it's challenging. Now that I've seen what's

[Rachel Strella] happened with my own in-laws,
I want my parents to make a plan, you know,

[Rachel Strella] and it's not happening.

[Vixen Divine] Well, you know what? They do
think, and I don't think it's advocated. I

[Vixen Divine] don't think people, like we're
talking about it. I don't think people talk

[Vixen Divine] about, they talk about death,
what's gonna happen to their things and so

[Vixen Divine] on and so forth. But before,
they even talk about emergency care. Like if

[Vixen Divine] they go into the hospital, if
they're, you have a DNR, but they don't talk

[Vixen Divine] about prior, even before that,
which is caring, what we're dealing with, you

[Vixen Divine] know, that kind of thing. That
needs to be talked about, but no one's advocating

[Vixen Divine] for it. So let's advocate for
it, Rachel. Let's do it.

[Rachel Strella] I think we should. I mean,
one of the things I always remember

[Rachel Strella] my lawyer, so many people
want to go right for a will when they're thinking

[Rachel Strella] about what's going to happen.
And she always says before you do a will, you

[Rachel Strella] want POA, you've got to have
power of attorney because the likelihood that

[Rachel Strella] the person that you're talking
about is going to have some sort of inability

[Rachel Strella] to represent themselves and
they'll be incapacitated is much higher than

[Rachel Strella] that they're just going to
die. So that was a big lesson for me is to

[Rachel Strella] always get that POA in place
and I do have one for my dad and by virtue

[Rachel Strella] of being guardian of my mom
that's there. So that's at least one step forward.

[Rachel Strella] So at any point in time where
we feel like they can't make their own decisions

[Rachel Strella] or our actions we can take
to make those decisions for them. But you never

[Rachel Strella] hope that you have to come
to that, you know.

[Vixen Divine] Right. You don't want to think
about it. You don't even, but the reality is

[Vixen Divine] you would be thankful that you
had it. If that situation were to come to pass,

[Vixen Divine] and maybe, like you said, maybe
you'll never use it. You'll never need it.

[Rachel Strella] Like insurance, you never
know, but better to have it.

[Vixen Divine] than not. Hahaha.

[Rachel Strella] Well, another question that
came up was about the role of siblings and

[Rachel Strella] how you handle when one sibling
steps up and the other one doesn't to help

[Rachel Strella] out, you know, with mom and
dad.

[Vixen Divine] Problems, problems, problems.

[Vixen Divine] That can lead to a couple of
things. It can lead to resentment, because

[Vixen Divine] the person who's doing most
of the work doesn't feel appreciated. They

[Vixen Divine] wonder why the other person
is not stepping up. And even if they do know

[Vixen Divine] why, honestly, it's one of those
where they can do something. Like that's what

[Vixen Divine] they're, they can do something.
It could be financially, it could be physically,

[Vixen Divine] because a lot of times people
think financially only.

[Rachel Strella] Mm-hmm.

[Vixen Divine] Whereas physically does help
a lot.

[Rachel Strella] Yeah.

[Vixen Divine] And people don't think of that.

[Rachel Strella] Nope. It's one piece of the
pie.

[Vixen Divine] Absolutely.

[Rachel Strella] I find that from what I understand,
and from my own experience with everything,

[Rachel Strella] the oldest sibling tends to
take on the majority of the responsibility

[Rachel Strella] by virtue of being the oldest.
My husband is the oldest in his family, and

[Rachel Strella] so he was over the finances.
He was first in line for POA. But I've heard

[Rachel Strella] a lot of different stories
from people. You know, and you're right, there

[Rachel Strella] is resentment when there are
siblings that won't step up and they expect

[Rachel Strella] it to be handled by someone
else. I don't have that situation. My brother

[Rachel Strella] actually, he lived with my
parents up until maybe three or four years

[Rachel Strella] ago. So he was helping them
pretty much /. You know, when he moved

[Rachel Strella] out, that was when we really
had to figure out how we were going to get

[Rachel Strella] the care for them. So I never
had that issue, but I've seen that resentment

[Rachel Strella] in other people that I know.
And that's a hard situation. because there's

[Rachel Strella] no handbook for how to handle
these things.

[Vixen Divine] Well, it's also something where
sometimes the sibling has a hard time caring

[Vixen Divine] for themselves.
[Rachel Strella] Yes.

[Vixen Divine] Not everyone is successful,
not everyone's doing well in whatever they're

[Vixen Divine] doing. So sometimes they have
their own struggles. So they're not just not

[Vixen Divine] helping, it's hard for them
to help themselves. And so in that case, that's

[Vixen Divine] always difficult as well because
then you're like, OK, so and so will help,

[Vixen Divine] so and so and so and so will
help. But we know so and so is not going to

[Vixen Divine] help us.
[Rachel Strella] Yeah.

[Vixen Divine] You just know that's the person
that's not going to help. That's the person

[Vixen Divine] that's not going to give you
any money. That's the person that's not going

[Vixen Divine] to show up. There could be that
person too. So by virtue of that situation,

[Vixen Divine] that's where the resentment
comes in. Because then it's like, well, if

[Vixen Divine] you would have taken better
care of yourself,

[Vixen Divine] then you would have been able
to help. So there's that. So that's resentment all around.

[Rachel Strella] You are % correct. I see
that a lot. Um, the older I get, unfortunately,

[Rachel Strella] the more people I know that are passing and that's very true.
[Vixen Divine] Awful though.

[Rachel Strella] Well, we'll go to another
question here. Um, how do you take care of

[Rachel Strella] yourself while also taking
care of your parents? And I know that Vixen

[Rachel Strella] is a queen of self care. Um,
and you know, no matter what you're going through,

[Rachel Strella] you still have to do some
things for yourself because it's not sustainable

[Rachel Strella] to just run ragged constantly.
And I've seen people that try to do it. You

[Rachel Strella] know, you still have to have
some other way to take care of yourself. And

[Rachel Strella] I'll admit for me, you know,
and all the things that I've been going through

[Rachel Strella] with my parents and my in-laws,
there are some things that I did that were

[Rachel Strella] not nice to myself, the lack
of sleep, the constant stress. But it was

[Rachel Strella] the little things I did too
that helped me get through. I would still get

[Rachel Strella] a massage or I'd still take
minutes to exercise. You know, just those

[Rachel Strella] things that help you feel
like you're a human being, you know, when you

[Rachel Strella] have so much going on.

[Vixen Divine] The routines, making a routine always
helps. It's one of those things where you may

[Vixen Divine] not have the same routine that
you had before. You need to change it because

[Vixen Divine] of the circumstances, you know,
but there's a time and remember we talked boundaries,

[Vixen Divine] boundaries. There is a point
when you have to say no or stick to that schedule,

[Vixen Divine] whatever it is that makes you
stick to that schedule, because Let's just

[Vixen Divine] take an example. Say at nine
o'clock at night, you always watch, I don't

[Vixen Divine] know, NCIS. I don't know what
comes out at nine o'clock, you know, but let's

[Vixen Divine] say it's NCIS and you always
watch that and you enjoy that, you know, you're

[Vixen Divine] sitting there with the popcorn, eating

[Vixen Divine] that, while you're watching
it. That's something you enjoy. It takes your

[Vixen Divine] mind out of reality, your reality.
And sometimes it's not always good to stay

[Vixen Divine] in your reality if you have
chaos going on. So you need to keep doing that.

[Vixen Divine] It may not cost you anything.
It may not cost you a massage. It may not cost

[Vixen Divine] you a facial. Eventually though,
you'll need to get one. But it may not cost

[Vixen Divine] any of that. Just some time
alone for yourself where you can get out of

[Vixen Divine] your own thoughts. That is sometimes
mentally enough, or at least a great start.

[Rachel Strella] You are absolutely right.
I remember when I was waiting for my dad to

[Rachel Strella] get his surgery before he went
into ICU a couple of weeks ago and you said,

[Rachel Strella] you know, go with your phone,
turn on show, you know, watch, take your mind

[Rachel Strella] off things. It's so hard to
do that when you're in the thick of it. But

[Rachel Strella] I went home that night and
after I showered, I just binge watched. I think

[Rachel Strella] they call it revenge binge
sometimes when you do that, but I needed to

[Rachel Strella] just veg out and pretend like
what was going on wasn't actually happening

[Rachel Strella] for just a little bit. Um,
so you're right. There are plenty of things

[Rachel Strella] that you can do that don't
cost a thing, but it helps keep you sane with

[Rachel Strella] your, whatever your routine
is, those things that you do.

[Rachel Strella] Well, um, while we're talking
about this, you know, we like to talk a lot

[Rachel Strella] about what we're seeing. And,
you know, one of the things that we came across

[Rachel Strella] was a TikTok post where a
woman was talking about caring for loved ones

[Rachel Strella] and, you know, how you care
for them. And you put your life on hold. You

[Rachel Strella] know, to do that. And she
said, the common thing you've probably heard

[Rachel Strella] if anybody's ever been on
a plane is you must put on your own oxygen

[Rachel Strella] mask before you attempt to
assist others. So, you know, that oxygen mask

[Rachel Strella] is like what we need to do
with our self care and well being to be able

[Rachel Strella] to successfully and sustainably
deal with struggles with our loved ones.

[Vixen Divine] Well.

[Vixen Divine] Here's people, this is what
people do. And especially women, caretakers

[Vixen Divine] by nature. Okay, this is what
we do. So the oxygen mask is hanging right

[Vixen Divine] here, right here. But we see
it, but we think we can get to it, but just

[Vixen Divine] one more thing, one more thing,
one more thing, till you never quite get there.

[Vixen Divine] You just miss it. And then...
That's when we get sick. That's when we get

[Vixen Divine] run down. That's when we get,
when someone says, oh my God, you look terrible.

[Vixen Divine] You may look terrible. They
don't wanna hear it. You don't wanna hear it.

[Vixen Divine] But you might look terrible.
And the reason you look terrible is because

[Vixen Divine] you look exhausted. You just
look exhausted. Your body is out of oxygen.

[Vixen Divine] It's time to get the mask on.
You should have got it on like a couple days

[Vixen Divine] back. But we have to stop doing
that. We do, in all honesty, ladies, listen

[Vixen Divine] to me. We have to stop doing
that because not only do you look terrible,

[Vixen Divine] but you look run down and you
feel it. And when you feel it, and then who's

[Vixen Divine] gonna take care of you? Tell
me if you, you're the caregiver, so who is

[Vixen Divine] going to take care of you? I
want you to think about that. And if they do,

[Vixen Divine] are they gonna do a good job
or are they gonna, girl, when I was, where

[Vixen Divine] was I? I was some, oh, I was
out of town. Do you know my family called me

[Vixen Divine] because they didn't know how
to work the dishwasher.

[Rachel Strella] Oh.

[Vixen Divine] So, I mean, that means I must
be a good caretaker, right? But sometimes you

[Vixen Divine] can be too good that someone
doesn't, they're not able to take care of you

[Vixen Divine] in the right way.
[Rachel Strella] Absolutely. You're right.

[Vixen Divine] Think about that.

[Rachel Strella] You are right. You're right
again. I have no other comment other than you're

[Rachel Strella] right. We do tend to take
on that one other thing. Really we don't know

[Rachel Strella] where our limits are. We have
to start learning them because by the time

[Rachel Strella] we feel it, it's too late.

[Vixen Divine] Yes, yes. Some people, for instance,
some people have a very high tolerance for

[Vixen Divine] pain. Like when I give them
a massage, I can tell, girl, it is, I can feel

[Vixen Divine] those muscles. They are awful.
But you know what they'll say? No, I feel fine.

[Rachel Strella] Mm-hmm.

[Vixen Divine] And I can tell they should have
reached for that oxygen mask like way back

[Vixen Divine] there So I tell people like
that I say okay when you start to feel pain

[Vixen Divine] if you if this is fine for you
when you start to feel pain, it's already an

[Vixen Divine] emergency. Because their tolerance
is so high that they missed the signals that

[Vixen Divine] they should have gotten. So ladies
understand if you have a high tolerance for

[Vixen Divine] doing things, understand that
when you start to feel exhausted, it's already

[Vixen Divine] an emergency. Okay, so you have
to take heed of that. On the other hand, we

[Vixen Divine] have the opposite ladies, right?
Who are just like, I broke a nail. I need to

[Vixen Divine] take a moment. I mean, we have
that too and that's okay. But just know the

[Vixen Divine] type of person that you are.

[Rachel Strella] Yeah. Right. I'm glad that
you said that because one of the things that

[Rachel Strella] I struggle with specifically
is dealing with my parents when there's something

[Rachel Strella] wrong. Okay. Evidently wrong.
And they don't do anything about it till it

[Rachel Strella] is beyond an emergency. You
know, and the hardest thing is when you can

[Rachel Strella] lead that horse to water.
I would, I could say times you need to

[Rachel Strella] get this looked at right now.
But when it comes to ailments, nope, they're

[Rachel Strella] not great. And the problem
with that is by the time it's an emergency,

[Rachel Strella] it's super taxing on everybody
else around them. And I tell my dad this all

[Rachel Strella] the time. By the time this
becomes an emergency dad now, now it's also

[Rachel Strella] really taxing on me and my
brother and my husband and anybody else around

[Rachel Strella] me. My team, it's a trickle
effect. So why do we wait? Why do we wait till

[Rachel Strella] something is an emergency?
to try to get it fixed or looked at or recognize it, you know?

[Vixen Divine] Because in our mind, we can
handle it, but we don't think about, like you

[Vixen Divine] talk about this trickle effect,
I am % certain that the person who that

[Vixen Divine] happened to did not consider
what was gonna happen to the people around

[Vixen Divine] them. I can guarantee you %
they did not figure that out. They're just

[Vixen Divine] gonna take it, and they're gonna
take it until they can't, and then they need

[Vixen Divine] help. And who's gonna
help them? Who's

[Vixen Divine] gonna come to the rescue? Super
Rachel.

[Rachel Strella] Yep. Right. And it's honestly,
it's ignorance, but it's not it's

[Rachel Strella] they don't know, you know,
and my dad's mind, he was worried because of,

[Rachel Strella] you know, guardianship over
my mom getting her medications again because

[Rachel Strella] he can’t go to the hospital, they
have someone's got to take care of the dog

[Rachel Strella] and this and that, but I said,
Dad, I got it, I can handle it. But for him,

[Rachel Strella] that's what he's worried about
is he can't take care of his immediate responsibilities.

[Rachel Strella] And he doesn't realize by
the time you take this to an emergency situation,

[Rachel Strella] it becomes a responsibility
for all of us on a much higher level, you know?

[Vixen Divine] Yes, because when you get to
that emergency level, that thing that might

[Vixen Divine] have taken you a little while,
a day or so, now you're in the hospital for

[Vixen Divine] seven days.
[Rachel Strella] Exactly.

[Vixen Divine] So what was worse? Taking
that, right.

[Rachel Strella] But they can strong arm the
way through it. I can do it. I'm fine. All

[Rachel Strella] right. You know, I think I
had the same conversation about times the past

[Rachel Strella] couple of weeks. So I just
praise you'll be all right. And for the record,

[Rachel Strella] you know, my dad, he's, he's
a fan of the podcast. I love him. He's great.

[Rachel Strella] Wonderful man. This is more
of something where I feel like this is not

[Rachel Strella] something I'm dealing with
alone. You know, I think a lot of people have

[Rachel Strella] this feeling and it's really
hard when you have people who don't know what

[Rachel Strella] they don't know, you know.

[Vixen Divine] Well, I think it's a matter
of this whole thing, this whole is really a

[Vixen Divine] matter of communication. So
I think if, for instance, this person realizes

[Vixen Divine] what's going to happen, if they
continue to do this on other people and how

[Vixen Divine] it's going to affect, they may
not take those same actions.

[Rachel Strella] Yeah.

[Vixen Divine] Same thing with caring for the
parents in general. So... for all you listening

[Vixen Divine] that are not in the situation
yet, you're lucky because now you have the

[Vixen Divine] opportunity to sit down and
have this conversation and figure out how you

[Vixen Divine] want this to go and how mom
or dad or in-law wants this to go. Because

[Vixen Divine] then if and when that time comes,
you already have a game plan, you already know

[Vixen Divine] what you're doing and everyone
has already agreed upon it.

[Rachel Strella] I will say that those conversations are not always
well received. You know, I remember having

[Rachel Strella] trying to talk with both my
in-laws and my parents about what about this?

[Rachel Strella] What about that? And they
say things like, Oh, you're being morbid, you

[Rachel Strella] know, or, or something like
that, where it's like they're avoiding that

[Rachel Strella] conversation. And I feel like
that's pretty common, we still want to believe

[Rachel Strella] that we're going to exist
forever. We're never going to be a burden on

[Rachel Strella] everybody. You know, so as
much as that sounds great, not everybody's

[Rachel Strella] there, you know, and that's
the hard part then it becomes again taxing

[Rachel Strella] when it does happen, you know

[Vixen Divine] That's true. I'm totally agreeing
with you. I think you're completely right on

[Vixen Divine] that. When people do not receive
the death conversation, the incapacitated conversation,

[Vixen Divine] all these types of conversations.
But I think maybe if you put it in this way,

[Vixen Divine] would they rather be somewhere
with a tennis court? A swimming pool? Or would

[Vixen Divine] they rather just have a room?
[Rachel Strella] Yeah.

[Vixen Divine] You know, so you just want to
make sure. For me, it's a window. I want to

[Vixen Divine] see a bird. Put a bird feeder
outside my window. This is my request.

[Vixen Divine] This is what I want. So have
that conversation. And if they're not willing

[Vixen Divine] to take that conversation, kind
of put it that way. You know, Mom, I feel like

[Vixen Divine] I see you. I see you with a
bird feeder. I see you with, you know, is that

[Vixen Divine] what you would want later? You
know, whatever it is. If she's a tennis player,

[Vixen Divine] does she want, maybe she can't
play tennis at that point, but maybe she can play bocce.

[Rachel Strella] You know what you can lead
a horse and you know, the temp these conversations

[Rachel Strella] and try, you know, but not
everybody's going to be receptive to them.

[Rachel Strella] And that's the reality of
it too. You know, it is. I'm definitely a planner.

[Rachel Strella] You know, like years ago,
I had my POA, my will everything and in my

[Rachel Strella] digital directive, I updated
every year. Do I want to die? No. Am I going

[Rachel Strella] to die? Someday? Yes. You
know, and that reality is I need to make sure

[Rachel Strella] that everyone is taken care
of, the people around me, if that happens,

[Rachel Strella] you know.

[Vixen Divine] There's a song that says, everybody
wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to go now.

[Rachel Strella] Exactly. Well, we got a
question we could dive into another day, you

[Rachel Strella] know, I heard this was a fun
podcast topic. What would you, would you if

[Rachel Strella] you knew that you day that
you were going to die? Would you want to know?

[Rachel Strella] So that could be one we could
think about.

[Vixen Divine] Oh, what I wanted to... Oh,
how... I only need five minutes. I just need five minutes.

[Rachel Strella] That's a tough one. I kind
of then fall into that. I want to be in denial

[Rachel Strella] that what actually happened,
you know, the countdown, the clock, I feel

[Rachel Strella] like I'm constantly watching
it.

[Vixen Divine] Yeah, too much time I think
would be like a little bit agonizing,

[Rachel Strella] Yeah.
[Vixen Divine] but like I just need five minutes

[Vixen Divine] With a phone, five minutes with
a phone. If I need a phone, I can record anything

[Vixen Divine] that I want
to say in five minutes.

[Rachel Strella] Well, we have one more what
we're seeing here if you guys recall from previous

[Rachel Strella] podcasts am I the asshole?

[Rachel Strella] So am I the asshole for not
bending over backwards to help my aging parents?

[Rachel Strella] And here's the context a woman
Who often helps clean her aging parents house

[Rachel Strella] finally said I'm not doing
it. And she did this because she has a family

[Rachel Strella] of her own. The house was just
cleaned a week prior and her sister, who doesn't

[Rachel Strella] have much on her plate, was
very able to do it. And it was her sister,

[Rachel Strella] not the parents, who asked her to clean again.
[Vixen Divine] Oh!

[Rachel Strella] Am I the asshole for not bending
over backwards?

[Vixen Divine] Oh, that's a bold move.

[Rachel Strella] Yeah.

[Vixen Divine] So for, am I right? Is what
you're saying. So her parents did not ask her.

[Vixen Divine] It was her sister? That's a bold move on
her sister's part. Like expecting her to do

[Vixen Divine] it when her sister could have
just done it herself. Yeah, no. And to answer

[Vixen Divine] your question, no, absolutely
not. She is not the asshole. Not at all. No,

[Vixen Divine] no. She had every right.

[Rachel Strella] I agree with you. If the sister
is so concerned, go ahead and clean the house

[Rachel Strella] yourself. Why would you coordinate
that with somebody who's got enough on their

[Rachel Strella] plate? But one thing that
I found is when somebody takes responsibility

[Rachel Strella] for something, even just one
time, it's assumed that they're going to continue

[Rachel Strella] that responsibility. And that's
not correct or fair. You know, it should be

[Rachel Strella] a shared responsibility, especially
when people have a lot of other things on their plate.

[Vixen Divine] Well, even if she decided that
was what she was going to do, which I guess

[Vixen Divine] she had her own schedule, and
it wasn't every week, apparently. But for her

[Vixen Divine] to tidy up like that and to
do it, she just did it the week before. You

[Vixen Divine] know, first of all, why does
she need to do it again? Like in that frame

[Vixen Divine] of time, you know, that sort
of thing. So it sounds like it was maybe a

[Vixen Divine] little tidying up that needed
to happen. And it wasn't even a deep clean

[Vixen Divine] if her sister just cleaned the
week before. What's her sister's deal? So just,

[Vixen Divine] I would so love to know more
about this story.

[Rachel Strella] I know. You can check it out
on Reddit. It's there.

[Rachel Strella] A lot of comments about it, but I do not agree with
you. I do not think that she's an asshole.

[Rachel Strella] I think that, you know, what
I'm learning a lot from the situation with

[Rachel Strella] my father-in-law dying, and
you figure out quickly who's gonna step up

[Rachel Strella] and help and who's not. And
it is a shared responsibility. And it's unfair

[Rachel Strella] of somebody to assume
that somebody else is going to do it just because

[Rachel Strella] they did it the first time.
You know, that's really not cool. I can go

[Rachel Strella] on about that, but I'm gonna
wrap it up here. So,

[Rachel Strella] you know, we're coming to
the end of the podcast, Vixen. Is there anything

[Rachel Strella] else you want to say about
this topic?

[Vixen Divine] I just want to reiterate, it's
all about planning. Honestly, unless, okay,

[Vixen Divine] there is a but to that. You
don't have to plan if everyone is okay, if

[Vixen Divine] everyone's doing well for themselves,
if they can come up with a good amount of money

[Vixen Divine] on the fly, you know what I
mean? Or have, then... As long as everyone's

[Vixen Divine] in agreement, I want to go here,
you can go there. It doesn't really require

[Vixen Divine] planning because it's not like
they're holding a spot for you.

[Rachel Strella] Right.

[Vixen Divine] As long as you go where you
want to go with the means, you really don't

[Vixen Divine] have to plan. But as long as
they want to still have that conversation like

[Vixen Divine] you talked about,
[Rachel Strella] Yeah.

[Vixen Divine] they have to want to do it.

[Rachel Strella] I agree with you. I think
that regardless of what we do for our parents

[Rachel Strella] or whether or not they cooperate,
it's important for us to have our own plan.

[Rachel Strella] I think that's what I would
want to emphasize. And I know what you want

[Rachel Strella] to do later in life. You know,
what's your retirement plan? What's your plan

[Rachel Strella] for after? What do you want
to leave behind? There's all these things,

[Rachel Strella] but really just thinking about
your own plan, because that's all we have control

[Rachel Strella] over ultimately.

[Vixen Divine] It is true. And so when you
talk to your lawyer or your estate planner

[Vixen Divine] or make sure to include the
nursing home or the, I'm gonna call it the

[Vixen Divine] pre-death situation. But

[Vixen Divine] let's go with that. There's
death situation and then there's the pre-death

[Vixen Divine] situation. So make sure to include
that

[Vixen Divine] in what you're saying.
[Rachel Strella] we skip right over that, you know? And that's very important,

[Rachel Strella] and that's why the POA is
so important too. Well, this has been a fun

[Rachel Strella] topic. It's been very cathartic
for me. Um, I want to thank you Vixen and want

[Rachel Strella] to thank the audience for
tuning in to Light Her Project podcast. You

[Rachel Strella] can follow the conversation
online with our hashtag, #LightHerProject.

[Rachel Strella] In the meantime, keep it real.
Real women.

[Vixen Divine] Real talk.