Caring for Aging Parents

Podcast Transcript


[Rachel Strella] Welcome to Episode of Light Her Project podcast.
Real women.

[Vixen Divine] Real talk.

[Rachel Strella] I'm Rachel Strella.

[Vixen Divine] And I'm Vixin Divine.

[Rachel Strella] Thank you for tuning in today.
Today's topic is caring for aging parents.

[Rachel Strella] Yeah, so,

[Vixen Divine] It’s a touchy one.

[Rachel Strella] you know how we like to start
our podcast talking about our personal experiences.

[Rachel Strella] And I certainly have a lot
of experience with this. So right now, both

[Rachel Strella] my parents are still alive.
And I have guardianship over my mother. I have

[Rachel Strella] co-guardianship with my dad
because she suffered from mental illness a few

[Rachel Strella] years ago. So she's kind of
my responsibility now. And my dad, well, he's

[Rachel Strella] had a lot of health problems
the past , years, but most recently, he

[Rachel Strella] was in the hospital for cellulitis.
And then they found out he had a bleeding peptic

[Rachel Strella] ulcer and he still got the
cellulitis. So definitely got my hands full

[Rachel Strella] with aging parents. So both
of them live about an hour away and they live

[Rachel Strella] out in the middle of nowhere,
which also makes that complicated because they

[Rachel Strella] don't have easy access to
any type of medical care. Top of that, obviously

[Rachel Strella] when you have in-laws, they're
your family too.

[Vixen Divine] Right?

[Rachel Strella] Suddenly in March, unexpectedly
my father-in-law passed away and... He was

[Rachel Strella] primary caretaker for my mother-in-law
and we had a huge responsibility taking that

[Rachel Strella] on. It was a lot to already
deal with his death and all that came with that.

[Rachel Strella] But we also had a lot to deal
with his mom in terms of getting her the care

[Rachel Strella] that she was used to, figuring
out what we want to do long term because her

[Rachel Strella] solution wasn't sustainable.
We finally found a place for her at Hershey.

[Rachel Strella] It's a retirement community,
a senior living community. She hasn't been

[Rachel Strella] she's been less than cooperative
with that. So it's definitely adding to, you

[Rachel Strella] know, the stress. It feels
like it takes up a lot more of my day to handle

[Rachel Strella] any one of three of these
parents and to handle myself.

[Vixen Divine] I don't have quite that situation.
My father passed away several years ago,

[Vixen Divine] I mean over years ago, like
a long time. And my mother is actually in pretty

[Vixen Divine] good health for her age. She'll
be this year. And she does listen to me

[Vixen Divine] for the most part about things
that when she has a health issue. She'll call

[Vixen Divine] me about it. What should she
do? And I like that she listens to me because

[Vixen Divine] of my medical background. I
think that's why

[Vixen Divine] she likes that. So I'm also
sort of caring for an aging parent, but she's

[Vixen Divine] a lot more independent

[Vixen Divine] than what your situation is.
She does also live in a senior community, but

[Vixen Divine] she's in the independent side.
does most everything for herself, of course,

[Vixen Divine] they have the luxury. They have
chefs and they have someone who comes in and

[Vixen Divine] cleans and they have all. It's
great living in

[Vixen Divine] a senior community. But yeah, so we
pretty much the siblings and I pretty much

[Vixen Divine] pay the bill along with her.
Like we put all the money together, even hers

[Vixen Divine] and all of our to make sure.
And it's, you know, it's a couple of thousand

[Vixen Divine] a month more than that. Um,
but for her to be able to have all of that.

[Vixen Divine] And then access though, in

[Vixen Divine] a senior community, in case
you're wondering, access. If they do have a

[Vixen Divine] problem, someone medically is
there to always help. So

[Vixen Divine] like in your situation, your mom's
gonna have a problem, your mother-in-law is

[Vixen Divine] gonna have a problem, that sort
of thing, there is gonna be someone right there

[Vixen Divine] to help. So that's always great.

[Rachel Strella] Yeah, and I mean, from what
you've told me, your mom is appreciative of

[Rachel Strella] where she's at. There was
no expectation of anything else.

[Vixen Divine] Oh, no, no. My mother, I found
out, and I didn't even know this till after

[Vixen Divine] she started living there. She
said that she did not expect to live in the

[Vixen Divine] hotel living is what she calls
it. She expected to just go to a senior living like

[Vixen Divine] Not with all of this, you know,
[Rachel Strella] Like assisted living or nursing home.

[Vixen Divine] Yeah, very basic senior living care
facility, but the fact that she had all of

[Vixen Divine] us and we're all doing okay
for ourselves, then she's raising us well,

[Vixen Divine] really prompted her to be able
to do this, is really how it was.

[Rachel Strella] Yes I understand and I mean there
are some places where you could put parents

[Rachel Strella] that are a little less than
hotel living. You know, so it is honestly after

[Rachel Strella] looking at where my mother-in-law
is It's it is a beautiful resort that she lives

[Rachel Strella] on and they have activities
every hour. They have meals. They have the physical

[Rachel Strella] therapists that come to you.
They have these little trolleys to take you

[Rachel Strella] out on excursions I mean,
there's always something going on. It's beautiful

[Rachel Strella] two-bedroom two bathroom place.
So definitely something I'd love for my own

[Rachel Strella] parents to take advantage
of at some point in time.

[Vixen Divine] Yeah, yeah, definitely.

[Rachel Strella] Oh, well, let's go to a couple
questions. I know that we've been

[Rachel Strella] on this formula now with questions.
So one question that was brought to our attention

[Rachel Strella] is in other cultures, it's
expected that your parents live with you, they

[Rachel Strella] live with the children, and
that they're taking care of. But in America,

[Rachel Strella] we typically just put them
in a nursing home. Wow. Way to touch on the guilt strings there.

[Vixen Divine] I like that. Guilt strings.
I have to use that.

[Rachel Strella] I don't know what you think
about that.

[Vixen Divine] Well, I think it's a matter
of communication. In all honesty, the way these

[Vixen Divine] things are communicated when
they're doing well, before they get to this

[Vixen Divine] point where we're talking to
each parent and dealing with this parent, before

[Vixen Divine] that, when they're vibrant,
when they're our age, I'm in my s, you're

[Vixen Divine] in your s. When you, our age,
if we communicate these to whomever we were

[Vixen Divine] designating this to on what
we expect, then it won't be a shocker. But

[Vixen Divine] I'll tell you what, a lot of
communication falls away to the wayside until

[Vixen Divine] it's five seconds till you need to make that decision.
[Rachel Strella] Yes, right. You're absolutely right.

[Vixen Divine] No planning.
[Rachel Strella] Right. We're very unprepared.

[Vixen Divine] Yeah, very, no planning, no

[Rachel Strella] Yeah, I think we believe we're
going to live forever. Or at least that's what

[Rachel Strella] I think our parents think
because they don't typically proactively make

[Rachel Strella] those plans. And that's where
it's challenging. Now that I've seen what's

[Rachel Strella] happened with my own in-laws,
I want my parents to make a plan, you know,

[Rachel Strella] and it's not happening.

[Vixen Divine] Well, you know what? They do
think, and I don't think it's advocated. I

[Vixen Divine] don't think people, like we're
talking about it. I don't think people talk

[Vixen Divine] about, they talk about death,
what's gonna happen to their things and so

[Vixen Divine] on and so forth. But before,
they even talk about emergency care. Like if

[Vixen Divine] they go into the hospital, if
they're, you have a DNR, but they don't talk

[Vixen Divine] about prior, even before that,
which is caring, what we're dealing with, you

[Vixen Divine] know, that kind of thing. That
needs to be talked about, but no one's advocating

[Vixen Divine] for it. So let's advocate for
it, Rachel. Let's do it.

[Rachel Strella] I think we should. I mean,
one of the things I always remember

[Rachel Strella] my lawyer, so many people
want to go right for a will when they're thinking

[Rachel Strella] about what's going to happen.
And she always says before you do a will, you

[Rachel Strella] want POA, you've got to have
power of attorney because the likelihood that

[Rachel Strella] the person that you're talking
about is going to have some sort of inability

[Rachel Strella] to represent themselves and
they'll be incapacitated is much higher than

[Rachel Strella] that they're just going to
die. So that was a big lesson for me is to

[Rachel Strella] always get that POA in place
and I do have one for my dad and by virtue

[Rachel Strella] of being guardian of my mom
that's there. So that's at least one step forward.

[Rachel Strella] So at any point in time where
we feel like they can't make their own decisions

[Rachel Strella] or our actions we can take
to make those decisions for them. But you never

[Rachel Strella] hope that you have to come
to that, you know.

[Vixen Divine] Right. You don't want to think
about it. You don't even, but the reality is

[Vixen Divine] you would be thankful that you
had it. If that situation were to come to pass,

[Vixen Divine] and maybe, like you said, maybe
you'll never use it. You'll never need it.

[Rachel Strella] Like insurance, you never
know, but better to have it.

[Vixen Divine] than not. Hahaha.

[Rachel Strella] Well, another question that
came up was about the role of siblings and

[Rachel Strella] how you handle when one sibling
steps up and the other one doesn't to help

[Rachel Strella] out, you know, with mom and

[Vixen Divine] Problems, problems, problems.

[Vixen Divine] That can lead to a couple of
things. It can lead to resentment, because

[Vixen Divine] the person who's doing most
of the work doesn't feel appreciated. They

[Vixen Divine] wonder why the other person
is not stepping up. And even if they do know

[Vixen Divine] why, honestly, it's one of those
where they can do something. Like that's what

[Vixen Divine] they're, they can do something.
It could be financially, it could be physically,

[Vixen Divine] because a lot of times people
think financially only.

[Rachel Strella] Mm-hmm.

[Vixen Divine] Whereas physically does help
a lot.

[Rachel Strella] Yeah.

[Vixen Divine] And people don't think of that.

[Rachel Strella] Nope. It's one piece of the

[Vixen Divine] Absolutely.

[Rachel Strella] I find that from what I understand,
and from my own experience with everything,

[Rachel Strella] the oldest sibling tends to
take on the majority of the responsibility

[Rachel Strella] by virtue of being the oldest.
My husband is the oldest in his family, and

[Rachel Strella] so he was over the finances.
He was first in line for POA. But I've heard

[Rachel Strella] a lot of different stories
from people. You know, and you're right, there

[Rachel Strella] is resentment when there are
siblings that won't step up and they expect

[Rachel Strella] it to be handled by someone
else. I don't have that situation. My brother

[Rachel Strella] actually, he lived with my
parents up until maybe three or four years

[Rachel Strella] ago. So he was helping them
pretty much /. You know, when he moved

[Rachel Strella] out, that was when we really
had to figure out how we were going to get

[Rachel Strella] the care for them. So I never
had that issue, but I've seen that resentment

[Rachel Strella] in other people that I know.
And that's a hard situation. because there's

[Rachel Strella] no handbook for how to handle
these things.

[Vixen Divine] Well, it's also something where
sometimes the sibling has a hard time caring

[Vixen Divine] for themselves.
[Rachel Strella] Yes.

[Vixen Divine] Not everyone is successful,
not everyone's doing well in whatever they're

[Vixen Divine] doing. So sometimes they have
their own struggles. So they're not just not

[Vixen Divine] helping, it's hard for them
to help themselves. And so in that case, that's

[Vixen Divine] always difficult as well because
then you're like, OK, so and so will help,

[Vixen Divine] so and so and so and so will
help. But we know so and so is not going to

[Vixen Divine] help us.
[Rachel Strella] Yeah.

[Vixen Divine] You just know that's the person
that's not going to help. That's the person

[Vixen Divine] that's not going to give you
any money. That's the person that's not going

[Vixen Divine] to show up. There could be that
person too. So by virtue of that situation,

[Vixen Divine] that's where the resentment
comes in. Because then it's like, well, if

[Vixen Divine] you would have taken better
care of yourself,

[Vixen Divine] then you would have been able
to help. So there's that. So that's resentment all around.

[Rachel Strella] You are % correct. I see
that a lot. Um, the older I get, unfortunately,

[Rachel Strella] the more people I know that are passing and that's very true.
[Vixen Divine] Awful though.

[Rachel Strella] Well, we'll go to another
question here. Um, how do you take care of

[Rachel Strella] yourself while also taking
care of your parents? And I know that Vixen

[Rachel Strella] is a queen of self care. Um,
and you know, no matter what you're going through,

[Rachel Strella] you still have to do some
things for yourself because it's not sustainable

[Rachel Strella] to just run ragged constantly.
And I've seen people that try to do it. You

[Rachel Strella] know, you still have to have
some other way to take care of yourself. And

[Rachel Strella] I'll admit for me, you know,
and all the things that I've been going through

[Rachel Strella] with my parents and my in-laws,
there are some things that I did that were

[Rachel Strella] not nice to myself, the lack
of sleep, the constant stress. But it was

[Rachel Strella] the little things I did too
that helped me get through. I would still get

[Rachel Strella] a massage or I'd still take
minutes to exercise. You know, just those

[Rachel Strella] things that help you feel
like you're a human being, you know, when you

[Rachel Strella] have so much going on.

[Vixen Divine] The routines, making a routine always
helps. It's one of those things where you may

[Vixen Divine] not have the same routine that
you had before. You need to change it because

[Vixen Divine] of the circumstances, you know,
but there's a time and remember we talked boundaries,

[Vixen Divine] boundaries. There is a point
when you have to say no or stick to that schedule,

[Vixen Divine] whatever it is that makes you
stick to that schedule, because Let's just

[Vixen Divine] take an example. Say at nine
o'clock at night, you always watch, I don't

[Vixen Divine] know, NCIS. I don't know what
comes out at nine o'clock, you know, but let's

[Vixen Divine] say it's NCIS and you always
watch that and you enjoy that, you know, you're

[Vixen Divine] sitting there with the popcorn, eating

[Vixen Divine] that, while you're watching
it. That's something you enjoy. It takes your

[Vixen Divine] mind out of reality, your reality.
And sometimes it's not always good to stay

[Vixen Divine] in your reality if you have
chaos going on. So you need to keep doing that.

[Vixen Divine] It may not cost you anything.
It may not cost you a massage. It may not cost

[Vixen Divine] you a facial. Eventually though,
you'll need to get one. But it may not cost

[Vixen Divine] any of that. Just some time
alone for yourself where you can get out of

[Vixen Divine] your own thoughts. That is sometimes
mentally enough, or at least a great start.

[Rachel Strella] You are absolutely right.
I remember when I was waiting for my dad to

[Rachel Strella] get his surgery before he went
into ICU a couple of weeks ago and you said,

[Rachel Strella] you know, go with your phone,
turn on show, you know, watch, take your mind

[Rachel Strella] off things. It's so hard to
do that when you're in the thick of it. But

[Rachel Strella] I went home that night and
after I showered, I just binge watched. I think

[Rachel Strella] they call it revenge binge
sometimes when you do that, but I needed to

[Rachel Strella] just veg out and pretend like
what was going on wasn't actually happening

[Rachel Strella] for just a little bit. Um,
so you're right. There are plenty of things

[Rachel Strella] that you can do that don't
cost a thing, but it helps keep you sane with

[Rachel Strella] your, whatever your routine
is, those things that you do.

[Rachel Strella] Well, um, while we're talking
about this, you know, we like to talk a lot

[Rachel Strella] about what we're seeing. And,
you know, one of the things that we came across

[Rachel Strella] was a TikTok post where a
woman was talking about caring for loved ones

[Rachel Strella] and, you know, how you care
for them. And you put your life on hold. You

[Rachel Strella] know, to do that. And she
said, the common thing you've probably heard

[Rachel Strella] if anybody's ever been on
a plane is you must put on your own oxygen

[Rachel Strella] mask before you attempt to
assist others. So, you know, that oxygen mask

[Rachel Strella] is like what we need to do
with our self care and well being to be able

[Rachel Strella] to successfully and sustainably
deal with struggles with our loved ones.

[Vixen Divine] Well.

[Vixen Divine] Here's people, this is what
people do. And especially women, caretakers

[Vixen Divine] by nature. Okay, this is what
we do. So the oxygen mask is hanging right

[Vixen Divine] here, right here. But we see
it, but we think we can get to it, but just

[Vixen Divine] one more thing, one more thing,
one more thing, till you never quite get there.

[Vixen Divine] You just miss it. And then...
That's when we get sick. That's when we get

[Vixen Divine] run down. That's when we get,
when someone says, oh my God, you look terrible.

[Vixen Divine] You may look terrible. They
don't wanna hear it. You don't wanna hear it.

[Vixen Divine] But you might look terrible.
And the reason you look terrible is because

[Vixen Divine] you look exhausted. You just
look exhausted. Your body is out of oxygen.

[Vixen Divine] It's time to get the mask on.
You should have got it on like a couple days

[Vixen Divine] back. But we have to stop doing
that. We do, in all honesty, ladies, listen

[Vixen Divine] to me. We have to stop doing
that because not only do you look terrible,

[Vixen Divine] but you look run down and you
feel it. And when you feel it, and then who's

[Vixen Divine] gonna take care of you? Tell
me if you, you're the caregiver, so who is

[Vixen Divine] going to take care of you? I
want you to think about that. And if they do,

[Vixen Divine] are they gonna do a good job
or are they gonna, girl, when I was, where

[Vixen Divine] was I? I was some, oh, I was
out of town. Do you know my family called me

[Vixen Divine] because they didn't know how
to work the dishwasher.

[Rachel Strella] Oh.

[Vixen Divine] So, I mean, that means I must
be a good caretaker, right? But sometimes you

[Vixen Divine] can be too good that someone
doesn't, they're not able to take care of you

[Vixen Divine] in the right way.
[Rachel Strella] Absolutely. You're right.

[Vixen Divine] Think about that.

[Rachel Strella] You are right. You're right
again. I have no other comment other than you're

[Rachel Strella] right. We do tend to take
on that one other thing. Really we don't know

[Rachel Strella] where our limits are. We have
to start learning them because by the time

[Rachel Strella] we feel it, it's too late.

[Vixen Divine] Yes, yes. Some people, for instance,
some people have a very high tolerance for

[Vixen Divine] pain. Like when I give them
a massage, I can tell, girl, it is, I can feel

[Vixen Divine] those muscles. They are awful.
But you know what they'll say? No, I feel fine.

[Rachel Strella] Mm-hmm.

[Vixen Divine] And I can tell they should have
reached for that oxygen mask like way back

[Vixen Divine] there So I tell people like
that I say okay when you start to feel pain

[Vixen Divine] if you if this is fine for you
when you start to feel pain, it's already an

[Vixen Divine] emergency. Because their tolerance
is so high that they missed the signals that

[Vixen Divine] they should have gotten. So ladies
understand if you have a high tolerance for

[Vixen Divine] doing things, understand that
when you start to feel exhausted, it's already

[Vixen Divine] an emergency. Okay, so you have
to take heed of that. On the other hand, we

[Vixen Divine] have the opposite ladies, right?
Who are just like, I broke a nail. I need to

[Vixen Divine] take a moment. I mean, we have
that too and that's okay. But just know the

[Vixen Divine] type of person that you are.

[Rachel Strella] Yeah. Right. I'm glad that
you said that because one of the things that

[Rachel Strella] I struggle with specifically
is dealing with my parents when there's something

[Rachel Strella] wrong. Okay. Evidently wrong.
And they don't do anything about it till it

[Rachel Strella] is beyond an emergency. You
know, and the hardest thing is when you can

[Rachel Strella] lead that horse to water.
I would, I could say times you need to

[Rachel Strella] get this looked at right now.
But when it comes to ailments, nope, they're

[Rachel Strella] not great. And the problem
with that is by the time it's an emergency,

[Rachel Strella] it's super taxing on everybody
else around them. And I tell my dad this all

[Rachel Strella] the time. By the time this
becomes an emergency dad now, now it's also

[Rachel Strella] really taxing on me and my
brother and my husband and anybody else around

[Rachel Strella] me. My team, it's a trickle
effect. So why do we wait? Why do we wait till

[Rachel Strella] something is an emergency?
to try to get it fixed or looked at or recognize it, you know?

[Vixen Divine] Because in our mind, we can
handle it, but we don't think about, like you

[Vixen Divine] talk about this trickle effect,
I am % certain that the person who that

[Vixen Divine] happened to did not consider
what was gonna happen to the people around

[Vixen Divine] them. I can guarantee you %
they did not figure that out. They're just

[Vixen Divine] gonna take it, and they're gonna
take it until they can't, and then they need

[Vixen Divine] help. And who's gonna
help them? Who's

[Vixen Divine] gonna come to the rescue? Super

[Rachel Strella] Yep. Right. And it's honestly,
it's ignorance, but it's not it's

[Rachel Strella] they don't know, you know,
and my dad's mind, he was worried because of,

[Rachel Strella] you know, guardianship over
my mom getting her medications again because

[Rachel Strella] he can’t go to the hospital, they
have someone's got to take care of the dog

[Rachel Strella] and this and that, but I said,
Dad, I got it, I can handle it. But for him,

[Rachel Strella] that's what he's worried about
is he can't take care of his immediate responsibilities.

[Rachel Strella] And he doesn't realize by
the time you take this to an emergency situation,

[Rachel Strella] it becomes a responsibility
for all of us on a much higher level, you know?

[Vixen Divine] Yes, because when you get to
that emergency level, that thing that might

[Vixen Divine] have taken you a little while,
a day or so, now you're in the hospital for

[Vixen Divine] seven days.
[Rachel Strella] Exactly.

[Vixen Divine] So what was worse? Taking
that, right.

[Rachel Strella] But they can strong arm the
way through it. I can do it. I'm fine. All

[Rachel Strella] right. You know, I think I
had the same conversation about times the past

[Rachel Strella] couple of weeks. So I just
praise you'll be all right. And for the record,

[Rachel Strella] you know, my dad, he's, he's
a fan of the podcast. I love him. He's great.

[Rachel Strella] Wonderful man. This is more
of something where I feel like this is not

[Rachel Strella] something I'm dealing with
alone. You know, I think a lot of people have

[Rachel Strella] this feeling and it's really
hard when you have people who don't know what

[Rachel Strella] they don't know, you know.

[Vixen Divine] Well, I think it's a matter
of this whole thing, this whole is really a

[Vixen Divine] matter of communication. So
I think if, for instance, this person realizes

[Vixen Divine] what's going to happen, if they
continue to do this on other people and how

[Vixen Divine] it's going to affect, they may
not take those same actions.

[Rachel Strella] Yeah.

[Vixen Divine] Same thing with caring for the
parents in general. So... for all you listening

[Vixen Divine] that are not in the situation
yet, you're lucky because now you have the

[Vixen Divine] opportunity to sit down and
have this conversation and figure out how you

[Vixen Divine] want this to go and how mom
or dad or in-law wants this to go. Because

[Vixen Divine] then if and when that time comes,
you already have a game plan, you already know

[Vixen Divine] what you're doing and everyone
has already agreed upon it.

[Rachel Strella] I will say that those conversations are not always
well received. You know, I remember having

[Rachel Strella] trying to talk with both my
in-laws and my parents about what about this?

[Rachel Strella] What about that? And they
say things like, Oh, you're being morbid, you

[Rachel Strella] know, or, or something like
that, where it's like they're avoiding that

[Rachel Strella] conversation. And I feel like
that's pretty common, we still want to believe

[Rachel Strella] that we're going to exist
forever. We're never going to be a burden on

[Rachel Strella] everybody. You know, so as
much as that sounds great, not everybody's

[Rachel Strella] there, you know, and that's
the hard part then it becomes again taxing

[Rachel Strella] when it does happen, you know

[Vixen Divine] That's true. I'm totally agreeing
with you. I think you're completely right on

[Vixen Divine] that. When people do not receive
the death conversation, the incapacitated conversation,

[Vixen Divine] all these types of conversations.
But I think maybe if you put it in this way,

[Vixen Divine] would they rather be somewhere
with a tennis court? A swimming pool? Or would

[Vixen Divine] they rather just have a room?
[Rachel Strella] Yeah.

[Vixen Divine] You know, so you just want to
make sure. For me, it's a window. I want to

[Vixen Divine] see a bird. Put a bird feeder
outside my window. This is my request.

[Vixen Divine] This is what I want. So have
that conversation. And if they're not willing

[Vixen Divine] to take that conversation, kind
of put it that way. You know, Mom, I feel like

[Vixen Divine] I see you. I see you with a
bird feeder. I see you with, you know, is that

[Vixen Divine] what you would want later? You
know, whatever it is. If she's a tennis player,

[Vixen Divine] does she want, maybe she can't
play tennis at that point, but maybe she can play bocce.

[Rachel Strella] You know what you can lead
a horse and you know, the temp these conversations

[Rachel Strella] and try, you know, but not
everybody's going to be receptive to them.

[Rachel Strella] And that's the reality of
it too. You know, it is. I'm definitely a planner.

[Rachel Strella] You know, like years ago,
I had my POA, my will everything and in my

[Rachel Strella] digital directive, I updated
every year. Do I want to die? No. Am I going

[Rachel Strella] to die? Someday? Yes. You
know, and that reality is I need to make sure

[Rachel Strella] that everyone is taken care
of, the people around me, if that happens,

[Rachel Strella] you know.

[Vixen Divine] There's a song that says, everybody
wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to go now.

[Rachel Strella] Exactly. Well, we got a
question we could dive into another day, you

[Rachel Strella] know, I heard this was a fun
podcast topic. What would you, would you if

[Rachel Strella] you knew that you day that
you were going to die? Would you want to know?

[Rachel Strella] So that could be one we could
think about.

[Vixen Divine] Oh, what I wanted to... Oh,
how... I only need five minutes. I just need five minutes.

[Rachel Strella] That's a tough one. I kind
of then fall into that. I want to be in denial

[Rachel Strella] that what actually happened,
you know, the countdown, the clock, I feel

[Rachel Strella] like I'm constantly watching

[Vixen Divine] Yeah, too much time I think
would be like a little bit agonizing,

[Rachel Strella] Yeah.
[Vixen Divine] but like I just need five minutes

[Vixen Divine] With a phone, five minutes with
a phone. If I need a phone, I can record anything

[Vixen Divine] that I want
to say in five minutes.

[Rachel Strella] Well, we have one more what
we're seeing here if you guys recall from previous

[Rachel Strella] podcasts am I the asshole?

[Rachel Strella] So am I the asshole for not
bending over backwards to help my aging parents?

[Rachel Strella] And here's the context a woman
Who often helps clean her aging parents house

[Rachel Strella] finally said I'm not doing
it. And she did this because she has a family

[Rachel Strella] of her own. The house was just
cleaned a week prior and her sister, who doesn't

[Rachel Strella] have much on her plate, was
very able to do it. And it was her sister,

[Rachel Strella] not the parents, who asked her to clean again.
[Vixen Divine] Oh!

[Rachel Strella] Am I the asshole for not bending
over backwards?

[Vixen Divine] Oh, that's a bold move.

[Rachel Strella] Yeah.

[Vixen Divine] So for, am I right? Is what
you're saying. So her parents did not ask her.

[Vixen Divine] It was her sister? That's a bold move on
her sister's part. Like expecting her to do

[Vixen Divine] it when her sister could have
just done it herself. Yeah, no. And to answer

[Vixen Divine] your question, no, absolutely
not. She is not the asshole. Not at all. No,

[Vixen Divine] no. She had every right.

[Rachel Strella] I agree with you. If the sister
is so concerned, go ahead and clean the house

[Rachel Strella] yourself. Why would you coordinate
that with somebody who's got enough on their

[Rachel Strella] plate? But one thing that
I found is when somebody takes responsibility

[Rachel Strella] for something, even just one
time, it's assumed that they're going to continue

[Rachel Strella] that responsibility. And that's
not correct or fair. You know, it should be

[Rachel Strella] a shared responsibility, especially
when people have a lot of other things on their plate.

[Vixen Divine] Well, even if she decided that
was what she was going to do, which I guess

[Vixen Divine] she had her own schedule, and
it wasn't every week, apparently. But for her

[Vixen Divine] to tidy up like that and to
do it, she just did it the week before. You

[Vixen Divine] know, first of all, why does
she need to do it again? Like in that frame

[Vixen Divine] of time, you know, that sort
of thing. So it sounds like it was maybe a

[Vixen Divine] little tidying up that needed
to happen. And it wasn't even a deep clean

[Vixen Divine] if her sister just cleaned the
week before. What's her sister's deal? So just,

[Vixen Divine] I would so love to know more
about this story.

[Rachel Strella] I know. You can check it out
on Reddit. It's there.

[Rachel Strella] A lot of comments about it, but I do not agree with
you. I do not think that she's an asshole.

[Rachel Strella] I think that, you know, what
I'm learning a lot from the situation with

[Rachel Strella] my father-in-law dying, and
you figure out quickly who's gonna step up

[Rachel Strella] and help and who's not. And
it is a shared responsibility. And it's unfair

[Rachel Strella] of somebody to assume
that somebody else is going to do it just because

[Rachel Strella] they did it the first time.
You know, that's really not cool. I can go

[Rachel Strella] on about that, but I'm gonna
wrap it up here. So,

[Rachel Strella] you know, we're coming to
the end of the podcast, Vixen. Is there anything

[Rachel Strella] else you want to say about
this topic?

[Vixen Divine] I just want to reiterate, it's
all about planning. Honestly, unless, okay,

[Vixen Divine] there is a but to that. You
don't have to plan if everyone is okay, if

[Vixen Divine] everyone's doing well for themselves,
if they can come up with a good amount of money

[Vixen Divine] on the fly, you know what I
mean? Or have, then... As long as everyone's

[Vixen Divine] in agreement, I want to go here,
you can go there. It doesn't really require

[Vixen Divine] planning because it's not like
they're holding a spot for you.

[Rachel Strella] Right.

[Vixen Divine] As long as you go where you
want to go with the means, you really don't

[Vixen Divine] have to plan. But as long as
they want to still have that conversation like


[Vixen Divine] you talked about,
[Rachel Strella] Yeah.

[Vixen Divine] they have to want to do it.

[Rachel Strella] I agree with you. I think
that regardless of what we do for our parents

[Rachel Strella] or whether or not they cooperate,
it's important for us to have our own plan.

[Rachel Strella] I think that's what I would
want to emphasize. And I know what you want

[Rachel Strella] to do later in life. You know,
what's your retirement plan? What's your plan

[Rachel Strella] for after? What do you want
to leave behind? There's all these things,

[Rachel Strella] but really just thinking about
your own plan, because that's all we have control

[Rachel Strella] over ultimately.

[Vixen Divine] It is true. And so when you
talk to your lawyer or your estate planner

[Vixen Divine] or make sure to include the
nursing home or the, I'm gonna call it the

[Vixen Divine] pre-death situation. But

[Vixen Divine] let's go with that. There's
death situation and then there's the pre-death

[Vixen Divine] situation. So make sure to include

[Vixen Divine] in what you're saying.
[Rachel Strella] we skip right over that, you know? And that's very important,

[Rachel Strella] and that's why the POA is
so important too. Well, this has been a fun

[Rachel Strella] topic. It's been very cathartic
for me. Um, I want to thank you Vixen and want

[Rachel Strella] to thank the audience for
tuning in to Light Her Project podcast. You

[Rachel Strella] can follow the conversation
online with our hashtag, #LightHerProject.

[Rachel Strella] In the meantime, keep it real.
Real women.

[Vixen Divine] Real talk.

We offer full-service social media management including: content development, posting to designated social media channels, dedicated advertising campaigns, social media audience building, monitoring and engagement on social media sites, and monthly progress reports.

Commitment to Excellence

Business Advice
Social Media Strategy
Social for Business
Social Media Manager
Marketing Strategy
Banks/Credit Unions
Real Estate
Home Improvement

Strella Social Media
1412 N. 6th Street
Harrisburg, PA 17102

Social media is all about relationships. Join our community and keep the conversation going! We love to get to know people on a deeper level! Connect with us on the medium of your choice and tell us what you love about social media.